Irritating Irish fans disgrace nation with slapless display of no-fisted pants-pissery

Irish soccer fans have sullied their tough reputation at the Euro 2016 tournament by swapping punches and kicks for acting the maggot and gas-man bollockology.

Coming hot on the heels of loud-mouthed cocky shaper Conor McGregor’s trouncing at the gloves of Nate Diaz, the country’s well-worn ‘Fighting-Irish’ appearance has been pounded to bits by Irish Euro 2016 soccer fans desperately trying to look like lovable rogues, earning an embarrassing commendation from local Gendarmes for their good behaviour, bonhomie and lack of biting in the process.

The Irish behaviour includes waving flags, doing the thumbs up and shouting ‘hup’ to the TV3 cameras, with no antisocial incidents reported aside from some drunken shouldering and a relatively small number of indecent exposures involving a coloured-in (and Tippexed) waggling penis.

"Pull his spine out through his arse, Sergei"

“Pull his spine out through his arse, Sergei”

The comparatively good behaviour comes in the wake of a barnstorming first few days of violence and thuggery from seasoned English knuckle-draggers, traditionally the kings of meaningless vandalism & destruction. But after only days they suffered a spectacular dethroning at the hands of Russian ‘Ultras‘ – roving gangs of maniacal implement-wielding psychopaths who spread mayhem and fear with military efficiency and hammers.

“The English had everything, the first days of the tournament were packed with exciting hooligan action” said Marseille resident Pascalle Flem-Bagge, speaking from his boulangerie as he puffed on a Gitane and drank wine and mimed being in a wind tunnel and wore a string of onions around his neck and ate brie and creme bruleés and snails and beeped his car horn and gesticulated angrily and listened to terrible music and wore a striped jumper.

“They throw the chairs, they push back their shoulders, they offer the stiff arm salute, they light the restaurants on fire, they say ‘Oi Oi‘” he added with admiration. “But this week we have seen something special from the Russians, they want to – how you say – pulpify the rival fans’ faces with hammers and make them disabled” he said, as he ate paté and went on strike and wore a berét and red neckerchief and pulled on the end of his little moustache.

"Twist off his head Ivor, and stick it up his nose"

“Twist off his head Ivor, and stick it up his nose”

“Us Brits need to shake it up yeah?” said skinheaded English hooligan Chas Endave from his Marseille hospital bed, before adding “Yeah?” again. “It ain’t no good no more jumping up and down no more on cars – yeah? – and kicking over no more tables no more or nothing, know what I mean yeah? We’ve got to shake it up yeah? While I’ve been recuperating I’ve made a plan to stitch a load of dogs together” he added, as he was further tended to by a nurse for extensive destroyage of the face and head before thankfully flatlining and being swiftly wheeled to the hospital mortuary’s skip.

Russian fans have stomped on the head of English hooliganism by arriving in their hundreds to fight using weapons, slick militarisic tactics and speed. Encouraged by their government, Russian Football Union member Igor Lebedev Tweeted: “I don’t see anything wrong with the fans fighting. Quite the opposite, well done lads.” Many of the fans have been arrested by stressed and burnt-out French police who are also dealing with civil unrest, murderous jihadi whackjobs and constantly having to wear a string of onions around their necks at all times.

Conversely the Irish cohort have put on a sickening display of tedious arselickery in hundreds of grasping, pathetic videos showing conceited craic-jockeys pretend-bowling, singing and doing other types of try-hard foolacting and go-on-the-lads carrying-on. Facepainted jersey jerks can also be seen clogging up doing charitable acts of kindness for the camera, such as changing car tyres and helping old ladies across the street while saying ‘hup’.

Some jerks, yesterday

Some jerks, yesterday

“Instead of just keeping the head down and watching some football, the Irish are, as usual, drunk as balls and looking for praise for acting in a slightly less ignorant way than some violent criminal psychopaths” said billionaire African prince Ombomble Obombwe III via email. “If I see anymore Irish singing videos I’m gonna shit out my own head.”

“But enough about that – what I really want to talk about is a 1.2 million euro fund that I need to transfer to a bank account, from which the bank account owner stands to earn a hefty percentage. Please send me your bank details so I can proceed with the transaction” he added.