Waste confusion weighs heavy as Coveney waist-deep in binned bin info bewilderment blizzard

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The Cabinet has today agreed proposals brought forward by Minister Simon Coveney for a waste management plan so confusing it has ironically caused a massive environmental headache and a bill to the taxpayer of almost a billion Euros. The official press release states: “Pay-by-weight will be an (initially) opt-in service which will roll-out after a year of frozen-priced waste management services where double billing for the benefit of awareness will apply. Your waste, your weigh, your way – your fault“.

Thanks to the incomprehensibility of the plans, the government has already thrown away just under 1bn euros in the creation of now-unnecessary golden wheelie bins for every household, a wasted TV and print media awareness campaign and over 16 tonnes of printed leaflets which now need to be dumped somewhere, or burned.

Minister for Housing, Planning and Local Government Simon Coveney brought the proposal to the Dáil today after roughly ten days of speculation, inaction and meaningless doorstep interviews. The minister met with the Irish Waste Management Association – a trade group made up of waste contractors – before announcing a year-long price freeze on services up to July 2017. The proposal hopes to ease the Irish public into pay-by-weight before waste contractors use it to completely blast them into price-gouging oblivion.

The plans includes a €1.5m reduction in landfill fees for waste contracting companies as long as they invest that same amount into an awareness scheme for pay-by-weight and promise not spend it on rounds of golf and expensive lobster dinners.

“They’re on their honour to do that” said Coveney. “They all promised to spend the money on awareness” he added. “And I believe them” he further said before adding “they all swore on their mothers’ lives that they would definitely do it, definitely”.

“For definite” he hastily added, as his glasses fogged up.

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Golden Wheelie bins to be binned in a big bin bin for bins only

However, the minister’s faltering plans and strange deference to waste management contractors has seen a colossal bill mount up before any pay-by-weight changes have even been finalised. As well as a huge advertising budget and costly leaflet campaign, a special “Golden Bin” for environmental waste had been commissioned for every household in the country before being instantly recalled due to the minister mishearing ‘mental head case’ for ‘environmental waste’ during another heated meeting with contractors.

“It could happen to anyone” he stated during the fiasco, as his glasses again fogged up.

Coveney was later further embarrassed by the revelation that he had mistakenly printed out 2,000 copies of the bill for the scrapped bins on his office colour printer and – again mistakenly – put the surplus 1,999 in the ‘wet’ bin rather than the recycling. “Although they were technically ‘wet’ with his tears” noted Dáil intern and vintage style blogger Alice Typewriter.

Opposition parties have predictably called the proposal “a shambles”, “a disaster” and “like something a piss wasp would wank out of a shark’s bollock” by Senator Rose Conway-Walsh, who was regrettably reached for comment whilst very drunk and leaning against a TK Maxx doorway eating a Double Whopper.

Predictably, Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald has said the promise of a price freeze is “not good enough” and that the government “needs to do more”, and something about the unemployed, and 1916. The Dublin Anti-Water Charges Campaign group have also started notifying their members to start angrily hammering large “No Bin Cahrges” signs onto the entrances of all housing estates and to display “no WAY 2 da BIN CARGHES” stickers on the inside back window of their cars at all times.

WATER IDIOT. Wait no...BIN to schol lately?? Wait no 'SCHOOL'

WATER IDIOT. Wait no it’s bins isn’t it, shit. Fuck

“It’s time the government listened to the people, etc” stated DAWCC chairman John-Joe Buslizard via email. “Our members CANNOT and WILL NOT and SHALL NOT and WILL NOT tolerate the BLATANT abuse this government etc has placed etc etc on the heads of the ordinary etc etc etc.” he screamingly continued. “Sent from my iPhone” he added.

“It’s all supposed to be for the good of the country. You know, recycling and that. Green, you know, whatever. Save the planet and the rest. Yeah?” said Social Protection Minister Leo Varadkar this morning as he thumbed through a copy of Chat! magazine and waited for his turn to bowl at Stillorgan Leisureplex.

The National Standards Authority of Ireland, meanwhile, has said it would like to reassure the public that by law, all bin weighing equipment must be verified and sealed for accuracy. Further, the NSAI stated on their website: “inspectors will regularly check bin weighing equipment to ensure it weighs bins accurately, and no optimistic wheel-greasing – such as an 8-pack cans of Guinness and 20 fags gifted to the bin lorry drivers on the Friday of their weekly rounds – would be accepted, wink. More extravagant tokens – for example a flash of the tits and fanny from a dressing-gowned housewife in a window – would also not be accepted in return for lighter bins, wink wink can they see that I’m winking”.

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