Where’s Wallace?

Independent TD Mick Wallacehas employed a team of makeover artists to drastically lower his profile following a series of embarassingly hypocritical and costly tax and business disasters which have portrayed him as a classic bare-faced Celtic Tiger-era property-portfolio creep. Deputy Wallace will undergo the career-saving operating when he returns from enjoying himself in Poland at the European Championships.

The new Gombeenified Wallace, standing with some other people at the launch of some bullshit

The TD left the country reeling when he made a settlement with Revenue for underdeclared VAT resulting in a 2.1m liability which he says is “unlikely” to be paid. A source close to Wallace revealed that he is desperate to shed his self-styled “Braveheart” renegade-maverick image and that nobody believes he is the struggling business everyman underdog that he claims to be. The makeover artists are Gombeenifying the TD in an effort to make him 68% more forgettable and upping his ‘typical cute hoor’ quota, clearing the way for Wallace to continue as an independant with a clean sheet and no tax bills to pay.

  • A shave
  • Cutting his Twisted Sister hairstyle back to a normal length
  • Wearing more normal clothes
  • Shutting up more
  • Speaking in the first person

The TD is eager to not be jailed over the tax evasion like a normal person would be, and believes his new look will help him fade into the background in the dáil and be forgotten as a useless moneywasting slimebucket by the Irish public within weeks. The TD also intends not to step down from his highly-paid position.

In March 2012, Dublin businessman Paul Begley (of Begley Brothers Ltd) was jailed for 6 years after he was caught underdeclaring the 232% tax on imported garlic bulbs by labelling them as apples. Read here

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