Ulster Bank and it’s parent operation RBS have released a statement today placing the blame for their software-related transaction disaster on some interns who they have described as “stupid” and “gormless”. Ulster Bank CEO Jim Brown arrived at ITN News offices in London this morning for a press call for waiting media, accompanied by two sullen 19 year-olds wearing cheap Tesco suits.
“It is with great disappointment that I can reveal that the whole RSB and Ulster Bank transaction nightmare has been caused by these two young interns who were technically not employed by us at the time. Wayne and Lee were just supposed to be running for coffees and stocking up the photocopier with paper. They have both fully admitted to bypassing security barriers, accessing the bank’s software and willfully adding a poorly-coded, short-sighted patch to create some half-assed workaround for an update issue, hence causing the whole mess. They are believed to have done it for ‘kicks’. They were supposed to be emptying the bins at the time.”
Both interns appeared to express remorse and meekly apologised to waiting cameras for their actions before repeating themselves in a clearer voice following direction – and a clip around the ear – from Brown. “So as you can see we can’t really be sued as this was not our responsibility…I think they were on a job scheme or something, so it’s the state’s problem. But we hope to move on and, you know, get over it.” he added as he wound up the statement. “Bloody interns eh? TCHOH!” he added with a chuckle. “Anyway – I’m off for a pint”, he added, before strolling away, whistling.
The two interns were shortly seen to return to the nearby offices of Camden Actors, Models & Extras. A source revealed that Lee is to appear on Eastenders in two weeks time, ordering bangers and mash in Ian Beale’s caff and again later, placing a beanie hat into a plastic bag at a stall as if he had just bought it.