Irish soccer manager Giovanni Trapattoni has intimated in an Italian lifestyle magazine that he plans to use the fabled “booze and weed” formation in tonights final group match against Italy. Championed by classic players such as Paul McGrath and George Best, the strategy involves all players (including substitutions) getting high and drunk as they take to the pitch, creating zoned-out, relaxed play and increased comeraderie and merriment between players. The men will then top-up their high by passing around joints and cans as they tap the ball to and fro, with two blowbacks permitted per man per half.
In another excruciatingly slow-paced interview at a hotel press conference today, Trapattoni backed up his claims, stating that he “may as well” use the controversial strategy as the team’s hopes of success tonight “are a-going to be smashed into the ground like a child smashing down on a tomato with a, how you say…(confers with translator)…si…a lump hammer”. When asked was he worried about the health of the players using this drug and alcohol-based strategy, he answered in the negative, stating that Damien Duff‘s brain wasn’t worth being worried about and that Robbie Keane sold the drugs to him before offering him his choice of stolen iPhone. “He a-really is scum” says Trapattoni.
Shay Given is said to be looking forward to the match even though “we are going to absolutely have our arses handed to us, it’s going to be another unvelievable bloodbath. But I will get to finally use that cool goalie bong my girlfriend got for me last Christmas. I’ll just huff on that tonight and see how I get on, it should be good craic”
The divisive strategy is designed by Dutch soccer coaches in the early 70’s and allows for layed-back, creative play and a slower, more thoughtful pace. However, it is a surprising choice by the Irish manager against Italy tonight, as the Irish have proven themselves to be the very worst in the Championship and the Italians are without doubt going to beat them so hard it will probably break some kind of record for ass kickery.