Andrew McGuinness, the son of Fianna Fáil TD John McGuinness, has admitted that his alleged and supposedly groundbreaking crystal anus transplant operation by renowned surgeon Dr. Leungschoeffer Stritchmarch 5 years ago was a total fabrication “made out of panic” and that the resulting extravagant claims for compensation and provisions of a particular high-class brand of toilet paper for his father’s office from the state were ‘perhaps unjustified in light of the current economic climate’.
Mr McGuinness Jr was hired as a ministerial personal secretary by and when his father, John McGuinness (the current Public Accounts Committee (PAC) chairman) was junior minister in the Department of Enterprise between 2007 and 2009. Details of Andrew’s hair-raising €30,000 annual overtime and €13,330 fuel expense claims surfaced in 2008 with a fresh inquiry arising again this week.
McGuinness told an incredulous press gang in summer of 2008 that, due to the large amount of time “involved in his duties” and travelling the Kilkenny roads in his car, he had consequently racked up a large amount of mileage for which he needed to be monetarily compensated. Further – and more worryingly – his anus had become “dangerously compounded and compromised” from prolonged sitting-down on the car seat. The discomfort seemingly required the TD’s son to eventually seek medical attention.
Subsequently, McGuinness alleged that a team of doctors diagnosed ‘advanced gluteal ringpiece terror (AGRT)’, meaning his rectal passage had undergone a dangerous metamorphosis due to workload and stress. They felt his entire posterial and butthole area was in danger of acute rectal totalapse which would result in an “unstoppable and catastophic intestinal megastorm“, a fate he allegedly felt was ‘too horrific to contemplate’.
“Even though I don’t have children” said a teary-eyed McGuinness at the time “when I heard the news I wept for any children in the area, and any that I might end up having at some stage, that they might know pain like I allegedly have”.
During this time McGuinness’ father made his notorious demand for upmarket toilet paper, his son filed other remarkable expense claims including tickets to Switzerland, diamonds, Savlon cream and circular cushioning. He explained at the time that he was allegedly travelling to the neutral land of cuckoo-clocks and chocolate for a pioneering “crystal anal reinforcement” operation at the competent hands of the aforementioned Dr. Leungschoeffer Stritchmarch. This operation was purportedly risky, vital and expensive and involved the aforementioned Dr Stritchmarch replacing McGuinness’ tired and failing anal set-up with an unbreakable Crystal Ass System™.
The TD’s son gave a defiant and aggressive rebuke via a VHS confessional videotape mailed to The Irish Times where he is seen standing in what looks like a pub holding what appears to be a pint of stout, with what sounds like “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” by Whitney Houston playing in the background. In the grainy video, Mr McGuinness is seen angrily admitting that his crystal anus story was an elaborate hoax, made up to justify his overtime and mileage claims. In the video he says proudly that he “would do it again if he felt it was justified…even though it isn’t, so I am not able to so I wasn’t”
“But if it was I didn’t, so they I will but it couldn’t” he cryptically revealed.
“Will we have one more, I found a fiver in my fag box” he also chillingly said.
“Yahoo” he added.