Today’s Jobs

Wanker Required to work in boutique coffee shop. Must have thick glasses and little skinny pants. Applicants must be willing to scoff at all orders and look at the ceiling impatiently while sighing. WICKLOW Jobref:001314WANK

Do you want MONEY???? We need dynamic team-players for door to door unarmed commission-based charity collection in deprived areas of Dublin. EARN €€€’s!!!!!!! DUBLIN Jobref:002654DEATH

NO SPEAK ENGLISH NO PROBLEM Man with no English language required to take blame for serious crimes. Call prisoner 22000432 (Mountjoy Block F) & ask about ‘the crimes’. DUBLIN Jobref:002224BLAME

Experienced bird feeder required. Working in a fast-paced environment for an established Bird Feeding & Milking Creche, you will be an experienced bird-feed deployment specialist with 5 years experience clearing out budgie shit from cages. You will be versed in Small Bird Management and naturally will have a multi-ornithological academic background with emphasis on Watching Techniques and will have 3+ Bird Whistlement Certificates. Apply in writing (if you can’t write just present to front desk with bag of seed and some birds). MEATH Jobref:002314BIRD

Deaf Clown needed in Tullow area to cover maternity leave. Must be deaf, and a clown. CARLOW  Jobref:002321CLOWN

Marketing Executive Social Media PR Specialist Expert.Working in a fast-paced environment, the successful candidate will answer phone calls about bin collection times and write the addresses of people who havn’t paid their bin bill on envelopes and seal them. These letters require deliverment to a postal recepticle or administrative office of parcel acception. Moderate beverage architecture skills are also required. KERRY Jobref:002451ASSHOLE
This is an internship. A weekly fee of €50 will be required from the successful job applicant for this position.

Man required Cash paid CORK Jobref:0024451HIDEOUSEXPERIMENT

Event Crew Needed We need team-playing and outgoing sales people to wear skimpy knickers and shoot booze into the waiting mouths of intoxicated stag party participants. Applicants who are ‘outgoing’ in the waist department need not apply. Or anyone with small tits or an ugly face. Must be a fast-paced team player, think outside box etc DUBLIN Jobref:0026691SEXBLAST

Van Removals Make €10,000 C A S H per day with your van! Don’t believe it? See for yourself! Must have own shovel & bag of lime. High pain threshold a serious advantage . LOUTH Jobref:0026521MURDER