Tá an Education Minister ag announcing a Junior Cert underhaul mór

A massive “underhaul” of the Junior Certificate will be announced by Minister for Education Ruairi Quinn later today.

The Minister’s plans, which are based on recommendations by the National Council for Curriculum and Assessment, are believed to be more radical than expected and include the introduction of a new system, tentatively titled “CertPLUS+

It is believed that Mr Quinn will announce that students will no longer sit a formal State exam at the end of third year. Further, they will not have to study Maths, Biology or Latin and grammatically catastrophic essays about one day meeting boyband One Direction will be deemed acceptable. It will also be permitted to use any English words in substitution for any hard word that the student doesn’t know as Gaelige (meaning ‘in Irish’).

Will probably just be replaced by "Sweet Sixteen" parties anyway

Students will be assessed continuously (providing they are present) over the three-year cycle by their teachers using a new Facebook-based “e-sessment” system that will see the student “logging-in” at a time of their choosing and clicking “ok” a number of times. A formal test at the end of the year will be rolled out to smartphones and tablet PCs. However, in an effort to familiarise the students with the incoming system, Quinn has stressed that “not taking part in any way” will have “absolutely no consequences whatsoever” for the student.

Pupils currently in fifth class in primary school will be the first students not to sit the Junior Cert as we know it, as the new programme is due to begin in 2014.
It will include some traditional subjects and the option of studying short courses, such as graffitti art history, pop music management, Introduction to Memes and ‘hip-hop’ dancing.

In a statement, the minister said “CertPLUS+ is an exciting new exam system that will challenge the pupil with rewarding and text text text text content. Text text text text:

  1. List courses
  2. List courses
  3. List courses
  4. List courses
  5. List courses

So I hope as minister for the year ____/_____ I can really text text text text text

Garda ombudsman Martin Callinan said “We are very happy to see an end to the formal Junior Cert as it will hopefully bring with it the cessation of the chaotic scenes we have sadly become accustomed to on our streets on ‘Junior Cert night’.

“Last year, one 15-year old couple were shagging and stabbing each other at the same time while drinking heavily behind the wheel of a stolen ambulance which had a man suffering a cardiac arrest in the back of it. They drove it through the stained glass window of a church and unfortunately crushed another two teenaged couples who were in the confession box drinking and shagging and torturing cats. The man in the back died, as well as some other teens who were stabbed and suffered overdoses at the scene”

“It really got out of hand” he said.

“They should just call it the Provisional Drinking License and be done with it.” he added.