Speed traps to increase and penis & testicle penalties to be introduced

New speed check regulations are being put in place whereby speeding motorists can be fined over 25 times for the same offence, with speed traps being rolled out to include a controversial new “probability clause” to pre-emptively penalise male (or ‘anatomically penised and testiculised‘) drivers.

Local authorities around the country will be erecting new signs alerting drivers that they are in the speed camera zones, with the new cameras now housing 25 times the amount of lenses.

“It’s about road safety” said RSA spokesman Brian Farrell.

Lax new overtime rules means Gardaí will now be everywhere

“If you are fined for doing 80km in a 50km zone, the message will have much more strength and clarity if the fine is multiplied by 25, and 25 long verbose letters are sent out to you by the gardaí. And if you get 25 summonses”

“That’s just good maths!” he quipped.

“It’s not about catching people and generating revenue, it’s about stopping people from speeding and being seriously injured on our roads,” he said.

“And generating revenue” he added.

Despite prominent signage warning of their locations the Gardaí are still sucking in €11m a month from drivers who continue to speed, all of which goes to the exchequer.

In a bold new move, the RSA and the government have joined forces to introduce a new ‘maleing fine’ for Irish drivers which sees a mandatory handover of €40 to Gardaí at checkpoints when travelling with a working penis & testicles under the age of 30.

“More and more, we see younger males speeding and foolacting on our roads with bodacious audacity” commented Garda Tom Flaherty. “Carrying-on and jiggery-pokery and scamfooling and blaggarding and acting the maggot. Playing the clown and the thicko and acting the hard man behind the wheel” he sneered.

“Being the big man and showing off and playing-up and codding and horsing-around and gimping-about and clownfoolplaying. Tomfooling and maggot-acting and trying to get a rise out of the Gardai and foolclownmaggoting. Horse-acting and foolclowning and horse-fooling and giving the gardaí guff and this-and-that and nonsense and aul’ shite. Jig-acting and fool-carrying and having no cop-on and clownhorsefoolplaydogging with the lads.”

“€40 on-the-spot fine should soften their cough & take the wind out of their sails” he added. “That should put manners on them and stop this aul clowndogfoolhorsewhale acting and shape-throwing and carrying on and acting like aul beggars and fooling” he also said.