European Championships, Gdansk:
After a pathetic and humiliating defeat at the hands of Croatia a few days earlier, it was a tall order to expect nothing but total and abysmal failure from the Irish team in last night’s clash with defending champions Spain. With brutal and crushing force the team charged right out of the competition having conceded more goals than Germany ’88, USA ’94 and Saipan 2002 combined.
Much like the Croatian match, the vastly inferior Irish squadron of past-it no-hopers huffed around for a few minutes before going 1-0 down in under 5 minutes. As Spain treated the game as a practice session and ran rings – literally – around the Irish, the tens of thousands of loyal supporters present cheered themsleves up by singing “The Fields of Athenry” loudly and incessantly. Though this seemed to make things worse for the team and the resultant 4-0 catastrophe, it did become a short-lived viral news story early this morning. Carlow man Brendan Dullwash said “I have spent close to nine thousand euros bringing myself and my young boys over to Poland to watch these contemptable chancers playing football like a load of brain-damaged horses. But if we made the news thanks to our singing then at least that’s something. Again though, I really wish I hadn’t remortgaged my f*cking house”.
“The Irish soccer team are useless, stupid b**tards and their fans should go f**k themselves. They can sing up my arse, the pack of deluded sh**heads. Why would you cheer for that. Terrible. It’s just not good enough. Do you call that good? You can’t. They are sh**e.” said an unusually agitated Roy Keane from the analysis desk at RTÉ.
“Get out of my way, I’ve got a f**king knife” he continued.
“And turn off that f**king phone”, he added.