Sonia O’Sullivan at centre of lamest news story from whole year

Celebrated Irish athlete Sonia O’Sullivan found herself embroiled in one of the years most lamely tragic news stories last night when it emerged that a homecoming celebration for Irish olympic athletes would be postponed from a Monday to a Wednesday.

The announcement by the Olympic Council of Ireland was made last night amid a storm of pretend controversy and cod outrage over the issue.

Sonia O’Sullivan, the Chef de Mission to the Irish team, had said that holding an official homecoming when team members returned to Dublin today would be inappropriate without the co-operation of all of the athletes. “It would be inappropriate without the co-operation of all of the athletes” she said, boringly.

After a day of confusion, the Council confirmed that agreement had been reached with Dublin City Council and Minister of State for Sport Michael Ring to hold the celebration on Wednesday.

The Irish team arrives home at lunchtime today and the athletes will take a short break to see family and recuperate before the event at the Mansion House.

“It’s a sensationaly inconsequential story, of no interest to anyone, even the people directly involved” said Ted Nugget, Newstalk FM Editor in Chief. “With the addition of Sonia O’Sullivan, it brings a new level of grasping to the story, which has pushed it to the forefront of lame news reports from 2012.”

“It’s pretty exciting!” he continued. “while at the same time being incredibly boring and stupid”

Nugget has said that a comprehensive list of shitty news stories from Ireland 2012 has been compiled with the olympic homecoming sitting in pole position under the cripplingly predictable moniker of “Olympic Homecominggate“. Some of the other stories making the top ten include:

  • Large Late Late Show 50th anniversary drinks bill
  • Sinéad O’Connor gets married and divorced to some guy in one weekend
  • Elephant breaks out of the zoo in Cork & recaptured in under an hour
  • Phil Hogan’s cat Ripper gets a mild type of feline flu

Tullio: Meddling kids hampered smuggling plans

One of the surprise entries on the list was the news in March that ubiquitous gourmand Paulo Tullio‘s face was actually a rubber mask. It had been pulled off by some intrepid and quizzical crimesolving children to reveal that he wasn’t a food critic but in fact a local thug criminal involved in smuggling stolen diamonds. Tullio used a combination of trick lighting and old bedsheets to convince the public that an old airfield was haunted, keeping them scared away so he could be free to package and transport the precious pilfered stones. He was reported to have claimed at the time that his  operation was smooth and the interferance of the encroaching children involved in his apprehension had ultimately caused his downfall from criminal activites.

There will be a homecoming parade for Olympic boxing silver medallist John Joe Nevin in Mullingar this evening, where the boxer will be driven in a banjaxed Toyota Hi-Lux with “JOHN JOE UR DA MAN” written in house paint on a large panel of wood hanging from the front which will slightly obscure the driver’s view. This will cause him to inadvertently collide with a telephone pole and damage the radiator, resulting in Nevin having to walk to the end of the main street where he eventually will be involved in a brawling incident with two drunken locals outside the Jade Palace chinese take-away.

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