Senator Fidelma Healy Eames has enlisted a team of high-priced lawyers to sue the internet for medical costs, mental anguish, loss of earnings and “vigorous reputational sodomy” after “going viral” earlier in the week.
“I went viral on Thursday last” croaked a visibly pained Healy-Eames from her master bedroom where she has quarantined herself. “I felt low, achey. A dull headache mixed with feelings of foolishness and incompetance”
The Galway senator became famous this week when she submitted a hair-raising report on Social Media to the Oireachtas communications committee. “Let’s say someone was left ‘logged-in'” said the Senator exitedly “and their buddy came over and typed something in their Facebook about them, say, fondling their headmaster’s scrotum. The victim – or frapee – would be admonished and teased in school the next day”
“Same if it was about wanking a dog off, for example. Or having a penis made out of Tesco horse meat”
Healy-Eames has been confined to bed since going viral and says her mental torment at the hands of the internet has yet to cease.
“Ironically, somebody logged into my Facebook at my consituency office and made a comment about the how low the prices of drinks were at a Spanish resort that I often frequent. Let me make this clear – I am not in Spain. I am here in Galway, now” said the Senator, who – come to think of it – was wearing a big wig and sunglasses and had the lowish voice of a man of about 19. And and Adam’s apple and hairy arms. And come to double think of it, there was a Toyota Glanza with an orange spoiler parked outside, with the engine still running.
Healy Eames’ high court challenge will be expected to take place in late 2027 and be thrown out within two minutes of starting, with the Senator expected to be fined for wasting court time.