Roy Keane puts himself in a headlock

In a hectic week of cribbing and cantankerous moaning, former Irish international and bluntly critical soccer manager Roy Keane this morning inadvertently turned his disappointment and rage on himself, laying a tirade of complaints and accusations firmly at his own doorstep. The former Sunderland manager was speaking at a press conference which had begun by Keane’s criticising of Giovanni Trapatoni’s management style, calling him “a twat” and “a fool” before moving on to the Catholic Church, who he labelled “useless arseholes”, calling their Eucharistic conference “a load of sh*t”.

However, midway through a rant about Vietnamese food and poor quality shoe in-soles, he was interrupted by a text message notification on his own phone and, frustrated, turned his ire inward. “It’s like this Roy boy” he said, “you have to be the very height of ignorant to leave that thing turned on at a press conference”. “What were you thinking?” he enquired, before sipping water and waiting for an answer. After several seconds Keane began to sheepishly respond to his own question before excitedly interjecting with a barrage of vicious abuse and name-calling directed at himself. His face turned a hot red with anger as he shouted “You’re gone Roy, gone! You’re past it like, useless!!” at himself. “Why don’t you shut up moaning and do some proper managing yourself for a change” he yelled, before attempting to put himself in a headlock and wrestling himself to the ground, roaring “you’re a b**locks”.

Keane eventually ejected himself forcibly from the conference and drove himself home in the boot of his own car.

The colourful exchange was explained away to stunned reporters by Keane’s visibly exhausted PA, saying “this happens all the time, he is f**king bananas”.

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