Report reveals Obama visit relied heavily on nun’s anecdotes

Thanks to the PR disaster in the wake of the Obama women’s brief visit to Ireland, a report has been commissioned by a group set up by the Irish Tourism Board. The excitingly-named Oboremagate Inquest Team Squad was hastily set-up two days ago to establish the reasons behind the two childrens’ embarrassingly blatant boredom throughout the short Irish vacation; their sullen faces, listless moping and hangdog expressions featuring heavily on US fluff news sections and as light daytime-TV fodder.

Sasha, apparently pining to read the latest posts on Ke$ha's blog instead of being subjected to rain and fields.

“Gee whizz Gayle those Irish guys sure know how to party huh” quipped anchorman Toss Rodley to his co-anchor Gayle Lacely-Butterweather, to which she responded “Ha ha gee whizz indeed Toss, they look like real toora-loora-losers” on ABC’s Hello Today Now with Toss & Gayle show. Other similarly sneering items appeared on 123 Today NOW, Yesterday NOW, Tonight/Today, NewsAction NOW and NOW…Later on Fox’s NightLateLine Mid-Prime PowerPlay MidWeek OverCoast Hour.

The tourism board had apparently vigorously researched the itinerary of the trip to make sure there were fun and interesting activities planned for the three ladies for the duration. “On one occasion we took them to a fleadh hooley with a squeezebox in Jimmy Ward’s pub near Sutton where we heard a few laments and airs from local elderly singer Jimjoe Deenehan. They were then treated to a bowl of hot milk and given a cut of currant cake EACH before a few more airs were heard and Jimjoe did a few reels on the squeezebox.” said Tourism Board Chairman Timjoe Deenehan.

“It was then off to some ruins to hear about how they once looked cool” he added.

SHIT: Leisureland

“It wasn’t all fun and games” said Prince O’Bombwelobwo of the Oboremagate Inquest Team Squad. “Having looked at the trip, we did come across one or two items which we felt may have been a little boring for the two young girls, such as a long trip to Salthill to go to Leisureland which was in fact closed. The changing rooms were being bleached after someone unfortunately did a shit in the mad-cow decontamination bath.”

“They then tried Feeney’s Newsagents for a 99 with a flake but the machine was bust. One of the secret service guys bought a lash of Feasts for them but the girls said they were gross and unfortunately couldn’t find a bin to put them into so they just had to eat them. Michelle was putting on a brave face but when their big 4 X 4 went over a huge pothole she unfortunately got a whack of ice-cream up the nose. The report says she uttered a number of Leprechaun-based insults at this stage but the US Foreign Office have threatened legal action if we reprint them, citing diplomatic reasons.”

“Apparently she’s murder altogether” joked O’Bombwelobwo.

Sister Coleman

The main issue with the trip however, was the inclusion of a nun in the back seat of the Obama’s tour vehicle. Sister Coleman, of the Order of the Defeated Mary’s and the Flu-Riddled Sinner in Sligo, was brought along by the tour co-ordinator to give an authenticity to the trip.

“She basically pointed out all the things from her youth, where such and such was when she was younger, and how things were much harder for her in her childhood in Catholic 1930’s Ireland than they would be for Malia and Sasha Obama. She also had quite a lot to say about the speed of the vehicle, the volume of the radio, the racy language used by those in the car and the length of the girls’ skirts and shorts.

“Having said that, a lot of her anecdotes centred around a strapping young farm labourer named Daniel who she was apparently very fond of. She said the sunny days reminded her of how she enjoyed seeing his meaty arms swinging a sickle in a hazy wheat field as she watched from behind her prayer book. She also mentioned how his sweaty brow glistened under his dark, careless curls as he toiled endlessly in the dead heat, with his shirt desperately clinging to the relief of his muscular back like a war-torn wife to her forever-departing lover”

“She was bananas” he added.