Report recommends “absolutely no action” on Revenue security pay breach

A total of 15 staff in the Revenue Commissioners have received massive increases in payment, benefits and perks following investigations into allegations that they had accessed the Revenue’s accountancy system and changed their details, resulting in enormously high rates of pay for themselves to which they are legally entitled and will continue to receive forever.

A report on the findings is published today by the Revenue Commissioner’s press office which details the breach in security by staff members and the disciplinary proceedings which followed. The findings reveal that staff members opened the “Staff Pay: Do not touch” folder on the Revenue’s computer system and searched for their own names. On accessing their individual files, they selected some options from a drop-down list of salaries, perks and goodies before finally hitting ‘Save’. They then received their updated salaries and benefits immediately afterwards. Those that checked the “reimburse backpay” option received further massive windfalls with a number of craftier staff claiming their employment began in the 15th century, with one clerical officer in Howth claimed to have begun working for the revenue on a starting salary of €860K a year in 4 BC.

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“Staff members know that they’re on their honour not to go into that folder and change anything” said spokesman Unwin Throwswater from the Revenue’s headquarters in Dublin this morning. “But unfortunately there’s not a whole lot we can do. If the system says that you are on €200,000 a year and get free international flights and meals at Nando’s for life and free cinema tickets then it is legally binding and MUST be honoured. Without these systems, we would have anarchy!” he added.

Documents indicate that staff members will not receive any penalties or reductions to their pension entitlements in the wake of the breach of security, with many members involved now in receipt of over €900 euro per hour with double time on mornings. Instead of disciplinary action, Revenue has opted to alleviate the problem by changing the staff members involved to flexi-time and working-from-home systems where they simply input the hours they worked that week into a database and it is paid accordingly. “It’s a great scheme’ says Throwswater “and everyone involved has been working hard. One man has clocked-in over 600 hours this week alone

“He has really upped his game since last year when he was absent for over 11 months with a back issue and a number of funerals and weddings and accidents and a leg thing and a number of court appearances. We will be surprising him with a nice bonus this Christmas as we really appreciate the extra effort” he added.