A Portlaoise college student who smashed all records for academic achievement in the Leaving Cert examinations was hospitalised last night after collapsing at a drink-fuelled party in a Dublin nightclub.
Laois student Blorak O’Grorgsnack was found covered in slime, green goo and chips outside Rick’s Burgers on Dublin’s Dame Street in the early hours of this morning and taken by ambulance to hospital. There his 18 protien containment sacs were pumped and his energy super-nucleus gently massaged back to a stable pulse while he slipped in and out of consciousness.
Blorak, who has lived in Mountrath since Transition Year, was celebrating his record-breaking 60 A1’s in yesterday’s Leaving Cert results, a feat he claims was achievable by his four brains, sensory lasers and hyper-intelligence – as well as the relaxed but focused atmosphere of Portlaoise college. The student, who originally transferred from Reigoid 9 Cybotron Alpha College in the Typhoid 4 Gamma Sector in 2009, made history after he took on a number of extra subjects in an effort to gain points and received A1’s in most of them. “I started with Home Ec and Latin” he stated in an interview from yesterday’s Portlaoise Adventurer paper. “But then I added more and more once I realised that I can splice your earth time units using my light-speed inceptron power-rays that shoot backwards from my time holes. I then decided to take on Chinese, Arabic, Economics, Japanese and even higher level Irish.”
Blorak raised the bar for Leaving Cert success to an impressive 60 A1’s as well as a large number of other honors marks and passes, with only a small few fails. Having celebrated with his family with a swanky carvery lunch at The Killeshin hotel, he and his friends took a bus to Dublin where they entered Play nightclub on D’Olier Street. There they were reported to have engaged in drinking games and activities designed to speed up the process of getting drunk, which according to Play nightclub’s “Leaving Cert Boozmania” flyer included:
- Drinking shots through your eye socket
- Drinking shots through your anus
- Drinking double shots through your anus
- Drinking a shot through your anus while also drinking a beer bong through your eye socket
According to paramedics and bleary-eyed-witnesses, O’Grogsnak became unruly after shot number 7 and started waggling his probe around at some of the female party goers as LMFAO‘s”I’m Sexy and I Know It” played on the house speakers. He then accused a fellow classmate of insinuating that he didn’t want to pay his way for the drinks and vaporised him in a drunken rage using his death matrix antennae. He then fell in and out of a number of fast-food restaurants trying to probe people and attach his Ingestment Flap to their kebabs and burgers before finally being beaten to sleep by some young men who were driving around all night taking yokes, shouting at girls and listening to aggressive Dubstep. His battered and unconscious body was taken to Beaumount hospital at 6 am where he is said to be “stable but without any pants”.
“This drunken rampage disgrace is a real blow for Blorak” said Portlaoise College principal Vicegrip Neckchoke from his office this morning “after such a victory for him and the school yesterday. I hope he can get passed this, and that all Leaving Cert students take note and remember to pace themselves when they go out on the town to celebrate”.
Classmate Jamie O’Callaghan said “I like Blorak a lot but he’s a brutal messer, especially when he’s pissed. When we were in Burger King after the club once he tried to beam himself into a milkshake for the laugh. It was gross, we all got kicked out. The whole results thing’s a load of crap as well. For every exam he put a book in the jacks and spliced through time so he could go in and read it”