Project Maths to dumb down students to level of Cro-Magnon

The incoming Maths syllabus for Irish second level schools (‘Project Maths‘)  has been deemed a catastrophic failure by leading international maths experts ahead of it’s scheduled roll-out date this coming September. Some commentators fear it will reduce Ireland’s already pig-ignorant teenage population to intelligence levels not seen in the country since 43,000 BC when cavemen were roaming around grunting and beating up elks with makeshift clubbing implements.

Conor Dalton (16) from Monoghan thinks the papers are going to be "tough but fair"

In 40 years of teaching maths to Leaving Certificate students, John Brennan (Ballinteer Institute) says he has “never seen a maths paper so criminally light on actual maths” with much of the subject matter found to concern reality TV stars, types of running shoes and mathematical problems centered around adding up two different mobile phone top-up amounts. He noted further that “even this content was poorly written, inaccurate and the answers are incorrect for most of the problems presented…it’s like a dog wrote it. A particularily stupid dog”.

“Or maybe some type of reanimated zombified insect with it’s brain surgically replaced with a raisin” he added.

Question 1 on paper 2 contains four paragraphs of English, the only figures associated with the question being the number of the question and the number of marks that could be awarded. It was a addition-based problem centred around Khloe Kardashian purchasing a top in Zara and subsequently purchasing a number of other assorted items in a sweet shop, the long-winded problem basically requiring the student to add up three twos and a one. However, owing to a possible clerical error, the paper crypitically requires an answer of 11.5 to be deemed correct.

The Department of Education have defended the project, noting the addition of a cool teenaged fox character to the exam papers as “a vital step in reaching students at a level they can relate to and respect”. The fox character, known as Fiachra Fox, is depicted wearing a backwards baseball cap and baggy jeans. He is presented alongside the exam questions and gives the students hints and tips using an early 90’s rap dialect.

“Project Maths, as it is currently constituted, decreases the emphasis on calculus, and eliminates the treatment of matrices and vectors,” claims Mr. Brennan.

“These are the very topics that serve as the foundation for higher studies in science and engineering.

“If the Project Maths curriculum becomes the norm, then students entering science and engineering at third level will not have had exposure to some of the key mathematical topics that they’ll need. That makes for a steeper learning curve as those students begin their university studies.

The Department of Education maintain their curriculum is up to speed with the rest of the world but should there still be concerns in the 2013/2014 academic year they will consider the addition of a crime-fighting squadron of mutated turtles or a breakdancing octopus to the papers to help students attain the higher grades.