Scarface-villain-lookalike and Justice minister Alan Shatter today outlined his plans to work in conjunction with Sport, Tourism and Transport minister Leo Varadkar in tackling the worrying issue of rising violence among young people. The move comes on foot of the Swedish House Mafia gig in Dublin’s Pheonix Park, where – out of a capacity crowd – just under 200 people were not stabbed or assaulted in some way by pilled-up scumbags and troublesome human waste. “It was worse than Oxygen” says one blood-stained, highly-stabbed gig attendee “and that was like being in some sort of cruel experiment with the Black Eyed Peas for company”.
“I’m dying” he added.
Shatter unveiled his new plan for anti-social behaviour-calming, which will be rolled out in tandem with the GAA. “In the past, maybe children and teenagers may have felt a little isolated and bored, especially in the more provincial Irish towns. We’ve had great initiatives in the past, such as community games or Tidy Towns. But lately it seems the youth still feel they want to drink and take drugs. Well, those days are gone thanks to a brand new activity devised by ourselves and the GAA – SportBALL! SportBALL is like football only you have a big sliotar and the matches go on for twice as long. Otherwise the rules are the same and the pitches and little shorts and all that will remain. I feel it’s really going to be good, everyone loves GAA so it’s a great plan. The main thrust of this initiative is to combat idleness and foolacting in our youth – like these multiple stabbings and overdoses – and get them out playing ball”
In an ironic turn of events, reports also surfaced today of a North Dublin GAA pitch which was overrun at the weekend with alcohol and drug-fuelled youths who managed to somehow grind down and smoke 6 leather footballs and a yellow high-viz jacket with “Bainisteoir” written on the back of it. They then set fire to a load of cats and dogs before beating some nearby pensioners to death. No arrests were made but a complaint was lodged with the DPP and someone rang Joe Duffy.