People of Cork full of pride for genius engineering in miracle station roof collapse

The proud people of Cork were heralding as “genius” the meticulous engineering design which allowed the canopy of Kent train station to safely blow off and smash into bits on the ground in a safe and timely manner following a heavy descendation of rain and some particularily hard ‘Munster wind’.

Built in 1893, Kent Station‘s platform 2 boasted a beautiful canopy structure built by the then world-renowned Con Murphy Builders using prestigious Cork metals such as iron and real Cork slates. This was then hewn together under some sheets of famous Cork glass from the world-renowned Murphy glass factory on Cork’s Murphy road.

“The original builders must have know all along that the force from Cork wind can be extra tough, and that their design would have to be miraculously well….designed” gushed Cork reporter PJ Coogan from Cork’s 96fm radio station on presenter Neil Prendeville‘s “Morning Shuffle” show. “The sheer acumen, the wisdom, and yes, the sheer sagacity of the builders responsible just beggars belief and enwonderizes my value system, leaving me spellbound in it’s wonderous wake” said an excited Coogan as he described the sudden collapse of the platform’s canopy which fell down during rush hour leaving a pile of dusty junk on top of the train tracks and which narrowly avoiding squashing everyone underneath to death. “That these Cork men, – indeed, these heroes – could create a piece of architecture that would collapse into a perfect heap without any major injuries, just shows their sapience, their prudence, their circumspection and yes, their Cork perspicacity” he added, sweating heavily.

Platform 2 will be inspected by some safety officers from Íaranród Eireann today who are expected to declare the canopy collapse to be “possibly one of the wonders of the engineering world” and a “genuine feat of astoundment from the real capital’s health and safety expressionists”. They are also expected to award the Íaranród Eireann Smoke Signal Award for Effective Media Communication to themselves for texting the news of the collapse to over four freesheet papers in the area within the afternoon. “The genius of foresight is so evident” said the Lord Mayor Catherine Clancy “that I’m declaring a half day and no homework in Cork schools and double dole as a celebration.

The text was sent around to media outlets in a timely manner

Building company Con Murphy & Sons, who built the canopy in 1885 and again in 1893 were at a press call this morning at city hall where manager Con Murphy III accepted a Cork Excellence award from Pat O’Connell, the fishmonger best known for laughing really hard with the Queen and subsequently writing a book about it. “I am very proud to be a part of these no fatalities, and I say to the people of Cork, you’re welcome” he said.

Murphy announced that he also felt schools should have a half day and no homework, and even though the Lord Mayor declared it already he was “double declaring” it and added that he was entitled to do so if he wished. He stated that he, his wife, the company mascot Seamus the Spirit Level and three interns will embark on a rain-soaked open-top victory bus trip through the congested city streets tomorrow evening wearing red jerseys and shaking their clenched fists in triumph.

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