Patients to perform surgery on themselves with new HSE illustrated manual

Family Surgery: Scalpel not included

The Health Service Executive (HSE) has released a new home-surgery guidebook to assist with new budget cuts which requires the public not to go to hospital any more.

The new book is entitled “Family Surgery” and gives step-by-step instructions on complicated life-saving surgery as well as basic first aid and surgical tips ‘n’ tricks. Priced at €99.99, purchasing the book will be a legal requirement by next year and the HSE hopes that it can help bring down the numbers of overtime and home-help currently being clocked up by health workers.

Doireann Wasp, a spokesperson for the HSE, released a statement to accompany the launch at Dublin’s Clarion hotel this morning. “With 500 million euros needed to be taken out of the health service, a book like this is essential. Anyone can perform a tracheotomy or lobotomy with ease. Like a Haynes car manual, you just have to make sure you read it properly and don’t cut corners when using it. And wash your hands before and after, that’s important!”

Health Minister James O’Reilly has been away from public sight for the past 5 weeks and is believed to have absconded to a different area of policy due to the enormous levels of stress and scrutiny the Health Minister job entails. Reports are surfacing of O’Reilly now pretending to be Minister for Tourism and just coughing over the word “Tourism” when he says it.