Pat Rabitte kidnapped

The hapless Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources Pat Rabitte has been kidnapped. The news comes after a number of tough weeks of putting-his-foot-in-it at the coalface with the RTÉ libel scandal, his own gaffe-based RTÉ payout and his alarming remarks at the Ernst & Young dinner on April 11th last, where he deviated from his prepared speech to mention that the government has no idea what is going on anymore, before making the attendees promise not to mention it to anyone.

The minister was allegedly bungled into a black BMW by a nuber of young men wearning balaclavas, expensive North Face jackets and DuBarry sailing shoes on the evening of Friday last. Witnesses told of an alarmed Rabitte kicking and yelling from inside the car’s boot as the young kidnappers made their escape in the direction of Rosslare ferry port with MUSE blaring loudly on their stereo. There it is believed they packed the minister up in a large brown parcel and put him onboard the St Killian V as cargo, bound for the French port of Le Harve. The ferry has since unloaded it’s cargo with the minister nowhere to be found – it is believed he may have rolled onto the back of a French mime’s bicycle and could now be in Paris or Nantes, feebly trying to escape his papery confines. Either that or he is dead.

Gardaí are treating the incident as “suspicious”.

Meanwhile in an unprecedented move, the pranksters behind a similarily-executed Leaving Cert kidnapping incident at St Mary’s College in Rathmines were officially released without charge by the Taoiseach on Friday on the condition that they agreed to carry out a special task that evening.

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