The excitable late-night 4FM chat-show host Niall Boylan caused a stir yesterday as he inadvertently interrupted, cloned and fired himself live on air during what was described as a “confusing” and “very advert-heavy” trip through to the fourth dimension.
The smooth-voiced idiot-wrangler on 4FM’s hugely successful cab-driver soapbox was unavailable for comment today as he was busy trying to post himself sideways through time in a desperate bid to undo the bizarre and costly mistake he made on last night’s show.
It was business as usual as Boylan was bantering stupidly about muslims and dole spongers with a pig-ignorant cab driver from North Dublin. As he finished a speech about how he doesn’t drink, the DJ foolishly spoke over himself, butting-in with a sneering remark about how he ‘actually DOES have kids himself‘ when a ferocious tearing sound filled the airwaves. A rip had seemingly occured in the space/time continuum whereby another Niall Boylan materialised in the 4FM studio, causing the host and his producer to scream in terror and confusion. Earwitnesses noted that there then followed a moment of silence, presumably caused by the metaphysical havoc occuring in the control room, before some Breast augmentation and loan-shark adverts played until the show resumed. A number of deaf, bewildered and lonely old people were immediately placed live on the phones to fill the dead air before Boylan returned sheepishly to explain the embarassing and remarkable commotion.
“Sorry folks, bit of technical difficulties” proffered the DJ. In the meantime, the second version of Boylan had revealed himself to be highly evolved and intelligent and rapidly usurped the 4FM director’s position down the hallway using advanced mind-control. Within 20 minutes he had negotiated himself into the job – including a superior pension deal – and was now at the helm of the station, waist deep in a maniacal programming spree. He immediately sent a memo to Boylan requesting that he vacate the late-night spot in favour of an uninteruppted cosmic-funk playlist. He also ordered some media interns at the studio to shoot Gareth O’Callaghan and Ray Shah to death around the back of the studio near the bins.