Nationwide ‘shruggery’ as petrol and diesel prices continue to mysteriously rise without explanation

The AA has released the results of a nationwide survey revealing that the price of petrol and diesel continues to mysteriously rise week on week in Ireland, with customers, retailers and government officials collectively scratching their heads, shrugging their shoulders and making mumbly ‘i dunno’ sounds in way of explanation.

The lovable Michael Noonan, Legend of Zelda expert and Lilt fan

Since the temporary oil barrel price hike in 2008, fuel prices ‘cloudsoared’ to record levels but failed to drop once the oil price stabilized. “It was crazy” said Breggnogg Falsehope, owner of Topaz filling station on the N11. “Our prices went up, but just didn’t come down. They just stayed high!” he stated, as he looked in astonishment at his own prices on the gigantic plastic monolith sign outside. “Just look at what I’m charging for diesel, it’s insanity. I don’t know how I’m able to get away with it. I should be shot!” he exclaimed, looking genuinely disgusted.

Noting the government’s taking of 57% of the petrol price in tax, AA Ireland director of consumer affairs Conor Faughnan said the high cost of filling the tank continues to be a major problem for Irish road users. “Not only that, but people who mow their lawns or fly those tiny model airplanes or use strimmers are equally bumf**ked” he said, while gesticulating offensively on the air during Newstalk‘s Breakfast Morning Now show.

“Even though our listeners can’t see what Conor’s doing, I can tell you it’s quite offensive” stated presenter Chris Donoghue gravely before later describing Faughnan’s actions in explicit detail. They included

  • The AA director bending over to simulate the government’s penetration of his backside
  • Doing the thing where you put your index finger in and out of the circle made by the opposing thumb and index finger. Donoghue stated that this was done to illustrate ‘bummage of the tax-weary Irish populace’.

When pressed to comment on whether the government would be further hiking fuel tax in the coming budget, minister Michael Noonan replied “I dunno, yeah probably” from the back of his car before swigging from a large bottle of Lilt and returning to his Game Boy, where he was about to clear level 4 of Legend of Zelda.

A "Flux Capacitor"

Customers have been forced to swallow five tax hikes on fuel since 2008 and with more on the way, a Co. Monoghan man has come up with an ingenious solution to his fuel budget problem. Using a device he calls a “flux capacitor”, cattle farmer Ritchie Dunghead is able to run his Zetor tractor on rubbish from the “smelly bin” at the back of his house. “Old oranges, cans of Tanora, scraps of the dinner I don’t eat such as olives and so on. They all go into a burner on the tractor and I can get a great few miles to the gallon on it.
“The only problem is, I once went over the back field to leave a few bales to dry and after picking up some speed on the downward slope I accidentally travelled back in time to the land of dinosaurs and cavemen and tigerprint onesies and big wooden clubs. I fought a thrilling battle against a sabre-toothed tiger and rode around on a triceratops dinosaur and slid down a bronntosaurus’ neck. I’ve got a scar on my backside to prove it” he said.
When questioned about this later his wife Mindy simply stated that he was always telling people that he had gone back in time, or into space. She further explained that he sometimes drinks Toilet Duck and dissappears for up for four days, screaming and raving and eating worms.

 

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