Michael O’Leary may fire himself for being ‘too macho & sexy’

In a roguish display of Machiavellian PR wizardry, Ryanair loudmouth and aftershave ‘n’ jeans CEO Michael O’Leary has accepted – and published – criticism of himself from the company’s Board of Directors which he received at the airline’s annual general meeting last month, which described him as “too macho”. The airline boss added that he “may fire himself” if things get out of hand.

The news came this morning in the shape of a press release by Ryanair describing a job search for the perfect sales and marketing director to “grasp the thick, meaty shaft” of Ryanair’s “thrusting urges” in the marketplace, before the company is engulfed by an image that could become “too pumpingly testosterized to meet current ethical market equality guidelines”.

O'Leary's drawing

At the AGM, Ryanair shareholders outlined areas of possible improvement needed for the company such as the introduction of a more caring & empathetic image to counteract O’Leary’s abrasive, crass and ignorant style which brought him and the company so much success in the past.

“I accept that I am sometimes seem cocky and spunky in the press” said O’Leary “and that I have appear to have a strong back and good hairline as well as a no-bullshit attitude and great shirts” he added.

In a press statement, the Ryanair CEO further revealed that, yes, perhaps he was “just too sexed” for one company but countered that “maybe if the shareholders engaged with him a little more regularly, he wouldn’t have to shoot his mouth off all the time to the press – lately almost every day in fact, and twice on Saturdays”. However towards the end of the statement O’Leary just drew pictures of himself with a muscular erection and included the verse from the Right Said Fred song “Too Sexy” about Milan, New York and Japan. O’Leary was unavailable for further comment on this but a spokeswoman from his office (who’s voice appeared quite like that of a man trying to do an impersonation of a woman) later proffered that perhaps O’Leary felt that a real man wouldn’t have to explain himself any further and that drawing dicks and muscles was fun and a laugh, and that like a lot of things he was good at it.

According to the company’s website, Ryanair is also seeking to hire a commercial director who’ll handle its route development, negotiations with airports and traffic growth. The job offer requests that candidates should carry out their duties “showing the same care they would to, say, a mint condition 1982 Porsche 928 with a modified racing suspension or indeed a young blonde babe with grand fat tits”.