Music promoter Dennis Desmond of MCD has revealed new security measures for Eminem and Slane which will see all ticket-holders assaulted as a precautionary measure by a number of specially trained “Double Garda“. The news comes as the concert promoter attempts to avoid the PR disaster that was the multiple stabbings at last year’s Swedish House Mafia gig. The incident garnered so much notoriety that a t-shirt bearing the slogan “I Got Stabbed at Swedish House Mafia” became the number 1 seller in the men’s section in Penny’s last Autumn.
The Garda Siochána released a press release in tandem with the MCD security news detailing the new Garda members and their unique skills. “‘Double Garda’ are specially trained Garda operatives who have increased calcification in their foreheads making them effective at oppressing boisterosity and foolactment. These Gardai members have all received months of advanced Aikido training in both Tokyo and Tullamore which concentrated solely on the forehead area. Through a rigorous headbutting and neck-strengthening regimen, the Gardai involved now bear raised, rock-hard frontal cranial areas capable of delivering over 600lbs of head-butt force.”
“As a Bangarda I was a little concerned with my appearance after the training but I actually really like it, I think it’s more ‘me'” said Sgt Orla Exam of Brains Terrace, Borris who passed her Forehead Enlumpment basic training last Wednesday. “And I’m really looking forward to trying out my new techniques on some youths at Slane, it will be fun to absolutely smash in their little gurning yoke-munching faces” she added.
Sgt. Brendan Pan of Caherdaniel also praised the Double Garda scheme citing that his only reservation was that he was still gauging the distance between his forhead and some doors, windows etc with difficulty. “My forehead is now so prominent, it takes a bit of getting used to! I bonked it off the door to the Chinese last night and again this morning, as well as twice yesterday. My wife says I should just probably go to the Chinese a bit less, because their door is obviously broken or something and also because I have become so addicted to Kung Po chicken that sometimes I cry throughout the night and into the following day until I can feel the familiar bonk on my huge forehead as I collapse in the door to pick up and devour my takeaway which I have ordered ahead via text.”
“But it’s just so good” he added as he licked and smelled a bit of his jumper which had become stained with Kung Po sauce.
Denis Desmond said he “welcomed” the addition of a new squadron of power-headed Gardai on the streets and at his events stating that “a system of ‘Deterrent Enbuttment‘ would be utilised at all further MCD events to cessate the occurrence of stabbings and assaults which have marred some of the more scumbag-related acts. Patrons will be stopped at a Garda checkpoint on entry and frisked. They will then be quickly headbutted on the bridge of the nose or general face area by a Garda or Bangarda using what is described as an ‘Advanced Interfacial Response‘ before being relieved of any offending items (knives, alcohol) from bags or pockets and allowed to proceed into the general admission area. There they will be held at syringe-point and precautionarily harassed and intimidated & robbed by members of St. John’s Ambulance.