1980’s children’s TV mainstay Kevin “Kevo” O’Connell has been hastily added to the RTÉ Six-One news desk as co-anchor with Brian Dobson. RTÉ bosses hope that Kevo’s easy, streetwise style and ability to crack wise will help the empty-headed Irish citizens digest the notoriously confusing affairs of the Central Bank, the ECB and the Department of Finance.
“People just don’t hear it ” said Dobson. “The Irish are pig-ignorant, cretinous oafs. Fools. Confounded, senseless sock-heads that just bubble and seep like puddles of puke dripping down the stairs. The words ‘promissory note’ may as well sound like what happens when you blow into a dog whistle” he added, before angrily kicking the wall behind him.
When reading news containing the words such as ‘ECB governing council‘ and ‘liquidation of Irish Bank Resolution Corporation‘, Kevo will convert them to phrases such as “tea at your Ma’s“, “kissin’ gurls on the number 16A bus” and other token phrases gleaned from a romantic yet working-class life in 1970’s Dublin.
Fans of the former youngster will be expected to adjust to the child-now-adult-actor-turned-black-transsexual-bodybuilder’s appearance. “He’s changed quite a bit” said RTÉ boss Gavin Tacos. His arms are like something out of space, and he’s part black. He’s also a woman, a master of Tai Chi and has formed a radical new Church in Algeria promoting his advanced knowledge of voodoo spirit evocation which he studied in a cave.
“He’s still the same old Kev” he added, “but blacker and larger and carrying way more snakes”