Kenny to lose weight, cross-dress & method act ahead of budget 2014

The Taoiseach Enda Kenny has revealed plans to use method acting techniques and costume & prostethics in a bid to further curry favour after the triumphant Magdelene Laundry tears speech which has placed Fine Gael back on top of opinion polls after a shock week of rising Fianna Fáil approval.

How Enda will look on Budget day 2014

The party leader was lauded for his heartfelt apology – coming after a week or so of dilly-dallying on the issue – which included a choking-up at the end and hot tears streaming down his cheeks of sincerity. The Taoiseach was coached by a team of acting professional and consultant liars for three days in a local dublin theatre studio before delivering his speech yesterday afternoon to widespread acclaim in and out of the Dáil.

“We’re thrilled with the reaction” said FG PR spokesperson Phillip Useless. “Absolutely thrilled – Enda really gave it his all and he choked up just right, not too much and right at the point where he was using the phrase ‘herald a new dawn‘.

“We wanted him to cry on the words ‘deeply regret’ but he just riffed it. He has great improv and adaptation skills”

Mr. Kenny is to further hone his acting chops as he plans to recreate the Oscar-winning performance delivered by Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, where the big-nosed actor’s character puts on a wig and skirt, helping him to win the day or get the girl or something.

“For the taoiseach’s cabinet reshuffle, he’s going to black-up and play a female, black, disabled Taoiseach – hopefully eliciting admiration and respect while basically giving different clowns and arseholes responsibilities that they know even less about than those that they are currently presiding over” said Useless.

A press photo shows Riddles the Racoon asking another stupid question with Adams sighing in amused resignation

The party leader’s biggest challenge however will be a proposed dramatic 10-stone weight-loss performance for Budget 2014 which will see a frail and visibly distressed Taoiseach deliver cuts and tax-hikes with the weight of the world seemingly on his shoulders. “They’ll lap it up” added Useless “and Micheál Martin will go back to looking like an arse-kissing tattle-tale leading a pack of flatulent shitehawks more interested in betting on horses and supping stout than sorting out problems”.

Meanwhile Sinn Féin’s Gerry Adams has commissioned a Belfast-based design company to team him up for the remaining months of the political year with a fun-loving cartoon raccoon called Riddles in a Roger-Rabbit style mix of animation and real life action. Adams hopes the move will help him to raise his slapstick comedy quotient which was sorely lacking in recent polls. “If people want to see me hit on the head with a giant cartoon hammer, I have no problem with that”

“Or indeed, have my fingers chopped off with a cartoon branch-cutter and my knees and face stamped with cartoon anvils and my house set on cartoon fire with my family cartoon in it”

“I am a funny man” he added, looking straight dead ahead with his notoriously cold, shark-like eyes.