Kenny in PR ‘wet dream’ as one type of Irish water trumps another

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The Mirror’s headline today

Taoiseach Enda Kenny received ‘some good’ from the ‘ill winds’ that blew across the country over the last week in the form of a large distraction from ongoing controversy about salaries & bonuses at Irish Water. News of bloated payments and overspending in excess of up to €150 million per year had been dominating the news media until heavy rain and winds that can only be described as “fucking bananas” took over the headlines.

The Fine Gael leader was beginning to perform poorly in approval ratings thanks to the gombeen wheel-greasing and Boomtime bollixology at play in Irish Water, where €86 million will allegedly be spent on consultants, design, contractors and legal advice. However this week Kenny has had a total about-turn in his public persona thanks to a few well-placed press photos of him taking time out to visit the displaced home and business owners.

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Press photo of Enda discussing the flood with a hot dog vendor Contagious Lovemeat at Spanish Arch, Galway

“What we’re seeing is a total turnaround in people’s opinions. Thanks to the distraction of the flood, we’re polling a 40% drop in dissatisfaction with the Taoiseach” foamed an exciting Fiacla Gussetsucker, account manager of Dublin’s MasterPro PR. “And that’s with general homelessness at a record high!” he added, shouting exictedly. “We’ve been polling the electorate routinely and this week we’ve seen a real increase in people who think Kenny is a strong leader, and no longer a snivelling loser with no backbone whatsoever and less charm than a heap of cat shit.

“I was hiding from the water by sitting on the roof of my house when I got a call” said Garry Pukedust (83) of Upper Lower street, Clonakility, Co. Cork. “It was someone asking me about Enda Kenny. They asked ‘Would I say the Taoiseach is mostly (a) sexy, (b) manly or (c) powerful‘. I said ‘powerful’ first but I changed it later to ‘sexy’.

“I was very cold and hungry and it was just nice to talk to someone. Unfortunately after a long chat my phone battery died so in the end I had to look for help by setting fire to my beloved dog Spud and throwing him from the roof” he continued.
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“Unfortunately he landed in the water and extinguished himself, becoming fully dead. So I was forced to light myself on fire and jump as well to get attention. Unfortunately (again) I also became not on fire when I landed in the water and ended up neck-deep, clinging to the burnt corpse of my dead dog throughout the night until I realised that what I had been foolishly looking at on my phone was not the bars of battery, but in fact the 3G reception. When I realised I had full battery I rang 999 but I couldn’t get through for 6 hours. When the fire brigade finally arrived the fireman apologised and said he had been taking a long call to a researcher about how much he liked Enda Kenny.

“When I returned home from intensive care I was so famished I put poor old Spud in a bap and ate him” he added.

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