Mentally unfortunate tween faves Jed and Ward Grimes will go to the operating table at St. Brendan’s Hospital in Monoghan next week to receive the world’s first sales-driven total bi-hemispherical lobotomy. The pioneering operation is led by renowned US brain removal expert Dr. Filgus Rockshaft, and preparation begins on Monday the 14th.
Filgus explained “their management approached me after learning of my recent work in the United States. They pitched an idea and when I looked at the figures I couldn’t help but see it as a total brainwave on their part – pardon the pun”. He went on to reveal that, despite being deeply intellectually subnormal, Jedward’s earnings in 2011 topped €15bn while the average Irish Phd holder is typically fishing fag ends out of a Pot Noodle he purchased on the dole. “It turns out that having a crippling cranial incapacity actually proves key in capturing the imagination of the lucrative teen market and converting what many people would have described as ‘shit’ into hot sales and bulldozing brand power” said Dr. Rockshaft.
The pair begin a gruelling 6-month tour of UK shopping centres and marketing spots for their new ‘OMG! Shower Gel‘ in two weeks’ time. This will see them constantly jumping up and down for no reason, high-fiving, running around and saying “kuul” in their trademark irritating Americanised lilts that make them sound like very young children imitating the television, as opposed to adult men, which they are. Massively increased sales will be allegedly offset in the pair by drooling, gurgling and uncontrollable violent spasming of the sphincter muscles – a risk Jedward’s management strongly feel “is worth taking”.