Irish Water used €50m consultancy spend “to create water awareness”

bluntA spokeswoman for Irish Water has said that its executives are willing to appear before any Dáil committee to explain a consultancy spend of €50m on ‘water awareness’ last year. Irish Water Chief Executive John Tierney outlined that a large sum of money had been sidelined for use in developing water delivery infastructure throughout local councils but instead had been mistakenly used to “raise awareness of the liquid known as water”.

Fianna Fáil party spokesman Barry Cowen described Irish Water as a “runaway train out of control” that had to be made accountable to the taxpayer. “Not only is this train a runaway train, it’s made worse by the fact that the control it should have – is just simply not there” he explained, bullshitteringly.

On foot of demands by Fianna Fáil, Sinn Féin and Independant TDs for him to appear before the PAC to explain the €50m spend, Mr Tierney has spent this morning fielding journalists’ questions regarding the spending scandal via comments on a video under his Youtube account name, ‘Water_Badass_’.

“Da money was used for awareness by mistayke” said Tierney in reply to ‘IrishTimes_journo_9T9’ before adding “so wat y u hayting neway not ur cash”

“LOL YOLO” he also added
In a further example of poor communication surrounding the semi-state body, it is understood that PR company Thrush PR Communications recieved the entire €50 million from Irish Water with a memo simply stating “here u go” accompanied by a smiling emoticon. However, instead of pressing the board of Irish Water for more illustrated guidelines on the spend, the owner of Thrush PR Fachtna Soilbags says he “simply assumed” he was “creating awareness of water” and set to work.

“The government usually just have some legally-grounded awareness bullshit for us to do, you know – create awareness of STIs, online bullying, smaller dinner portions and so on. To be honest I’m writing a novel at the moment so when I get these briefs in I just lash them down to one of the interns with a Post-it saying “‘awareness’ this” or “‘stigmatise’ this” or whatever on it followed by the words ‘get cracking‘” said Soilbags.

“Yeah but anyway it’s about an alternate futuristic dystopia; clocks have not been invented so people work their society around a set of social rules based on human and animal emotions” he added, presumably now referring to his novel.

“I’m tentatively calling it ‘Loveland: The Battle of Beta Sector‘” he again mentioned.

It transpires that the large spend on awareness has been allocated to a number of different media areas, including online ads and websites, TV ad campaigns and a print-media campaign for young people giving water-based health and well-being advice. ‘Wateryousmoking?‘, an anti-drugs pamphlet, is being handed out in all secondary schools along with accompanying water-themed topics to follow, such as pregnancy (‘Wateryoucallingit?‘) and sexual health guidelines (‘Wateryoudoingtohisballs?‘).

willieThe campaign has also seen a portion of the budget used to create Willie Water, a fun and relatable character for younger children to impart water-based advice and info across a range of graphic media such as animated TV appearances and on the Irish Water website. Willie Water urges kids to drink him, spray him on flowers and pour him on things to keep cool. He also appears online in a number of banner adverts encouraging young kids to turn him into ice in order to chill drinks and to wash dog shit off their shoes with him.