IRELAND IS THE 3rd happiest place on earth – according to the UN.
The fourth World Happiness Report was published today and showed that the Irish have never been as happy as they are now – thanks to laughter and glee caused by the UK’s shock decision to leave the EU and become the most unpopular group of people on the planet.
Britain’s now infamous vote to leave the EU has send shockwaves of uncertainty throughout the entire world with many facets of life set to change. Geographical boundaries, commerce, international diplomacy and race-relations are all under sudden strain thanks to what appears to be at best an arrogant & empty gesture, and at worst an idiotic, world-banjaxing disaster of epic proportions. The leave victory was drastically undermined by “what is the EU” being the UK’s top Google search on the day of the Brexit result, as well as videos of slow-witted English leave voters shrugging and professing to actually having no clue at all, in general. Many vox pops showed an excruciating lack of awareness of the details of the campaign, with many people’s decision based on the highest quality infographics they had seen on Facebook that day.
|“I voted leave because I love the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks”|
|“I voted to leave because my toe is sore”|
|“I meant to vote for remain but I got confused and just stood there urinating. I was wearing jeans. At first it was warm, but after a while it was cold. So cold”|
|“I tried to vote leave but then I got stuck in the booth. So I changed my vote to ‘remain’, hoping that it would unlock the booth door. But then I realised there was no door, so I quickly changed my vote back to “leave” and continued on my paint-sniffing weekend of drugs”|
|“I think you asked me already, try that lad over there”|
|“Sir this is a betting shop, not a…interview shop. Place a bet or get out”|
|“So that’s €300 on England to beat Iceland. Here’s your docket”|
“I don’t want no eurocrats telling me about how straight my bananas have to be” said Dean Shitbox, a london taxi-driver and dog beater. “As Commission Regulation (EC) 2257/94 puts it, bananas must be ‘free from malformation or abnormal curvature’ – and I just think that’s a load of old bollocks. Plus I hate muslims and the Spanish” he added.
“And don’t get me started on Spanish muslims” he barked, as he crammed a Gregg‘s pastie into his mouth and veins bulged from his forehead.
The Irish – traditionally seen as self-loathing, currach-carrying, life-hating drunks – have cheered up exponentially thanks to the UK’s sudden & extreme unpopularity. “The now-infamous leave victory in the #Brexit campaign, with it’s never-ending stream of catastrophic bullshit and relentless doom, has finally enshrined in the history books that which we were all thinking – that the English are a bunch of arrogant jerks and the Irish are way sounder” said an elated Michael Noonan during speeches in the Dáil today, before throwing lollipops up into the back benches and declaring a half day.
Irish citizens have been cheering themselves up since Thursday with a renewed sense of comparative self-worth and a 13% decrease in relative self-hatred, which has been likened to and bolstered by the European championships, currently ongoing in France.
“In a way it’s very similar to the football. Here we are, filming ourselves fixing a Frenchman’s dented car roof after we ourselves jumped up and down on it – but we feel great because the English fans are way worse – teasing homeless children and burning down cafés” said slug-brained radio DJ Niall Boylan on his 4fm afternoon show. He continued: “In the same way we as a country are starting to look good in comparison to England. And similar to the Euros, we’ll soon realise we’re out of our depth and it’s time we kissed up to someone and rode around on them. France, for instance”. Boylan then opened up the phonelines to the same group of people – three braying taxi drivers and a sad old lady – that call him every night and talk shit.
The report issues a score of between one and ten based on polling data taken between 2014 and 2016. Ireland scored a 6.94, just behind Luxembourg and half a point behind Switzerland. The Swiss were said to be happy in general because they can shoot guns and eat nice chocolate, while people from Luxembourg are very good looking and consequently have a great time riding each other.