Retailers and wholesale suppliers across the country have been forced to sell a large selection of rudimentary items in a deliberately inadequate state unless proof of Household Charge payment and that of other taxes is shown on request. The move follows the lead of two county councils in asking third-level grant applicants to submit proof they have paid the household charge. The aggressive new taxation scheme means many items will be sold without lids, missing wheels and intentionally smeared with tramp’s vomit with the tax proof-of-payment acting as a “key” to unlock the product from it’s unusable state.
“Think of it as a ‘clamp’ on your groceries” explained Environment Minister Phil Hogan, who is looking to make huge cuts in payments to local councils using the groundbreaking new tax-collection angle. “Instead of buying your milk as normal in the morning, you simply bring the open bottle up to the till and on displaying your Household Charge receipt, the lid will be provided for you. Remember, the service will also be free of charge”.
The plan, entitled ‘TaxPLUS+‘ will see a brand new culture of Dick Turpin-style “hold-up taxilization” of the public whereby both essential and non-essential items will be damaged or witheld pending proof of tax compliancy of the prospective purchaser. As well as the household charge it will encompass many new levies to be rolled out in the year such as Family & Single tax, public lighting charges, the Countryside levy and the controversial Everyday tax.
“The plan is to cover most areas with this new tax-compliancy scheme, so that people of all ages and economic profiles can be included. We hope to involve everyone!” chuckled an enthusiastic Hogan.
“For instance, let’s say you wish to buy a dozen eggs and some dog food at your local SPAR or supermarket. The retailer would simply have prepared his produce the night before and, on display of your TV license payment receipt, would simply wipe the cat shit off the eggs and take the hidden nail out of the dog food can. Then you complete the transaction with ease. It’s just that simple!”
Minister for Education Ruairí Quinn also said it (providing proof of tax compliancy) was a “reasonable” request to be made of the public.
“Having said that, I don’t have a dog and I don’t really eat eggs anyway, so it’s not really up to me to discuss” he said.
“But I will eat a rasher” added the Minister, hastily.
“Rashers are grand in a fry”.