Horse meat found in Beef actually 70% Squirrel

The horse-meat-in-beef scandal continued ‘unbridled’ today with the news that Rangeland Foods in Co Monaghan is to be shut down following a sample at the factory testing positive for horse DNA in it’s raw ingredient. Authorities said the sample tested for 75% horse in the raw ingredient, 70% of which proved to actually come from squirrels.

A squirrel looking nervous, yesterday

“We were stunned & confused” says independent food auditors VomSafe. The beef was horse, which was in turn primarily squirrel”

“Furthermore, when we tested the squirrel sample we found it to be 300% mackerel – which is scientifically and statistically impossible! I was so confused I went home and instantly divorced my wife and kicked my dog to death”

“She probably wasn’t my wife anyway, but my brother”

“And my dog was probably my Dad” he added, looking into the middle distance.

Rangeland Foods supplies burgers to one of Ireland’s most popular fast food chains – Supermac’s – but the restaurant’s chief executive Pat McDonagh has insisted he is sure all his burgers are 100% Irish.

“Well the beef might be Irish but that doesn’t mean it isn’t made up of ground up ducks or squashed cat or whatever” said Sean Retch, a local maniac from Gort who we interviewed while he sampled a Supermac’s ‘Mighty Mac‘ burger.

“Cat’s are pretty rare in Gort you know” he said, looking into his burger, smiling slowly and then laughing under his breath.

“Very rare” he added.

“Very rare indeed” he said again.

“Very very rare indeed” he again repeated, as if diligently trying to point out that he was responsible for – and takes great pleasure & entertainment from – the brutal, systematic and sadistic murder of small household pets in the Gort and Newtown area.