It has emerged today that the Government has allowed another breach of the pay cap it established for high earners within the public sector. President Michael D. Higgins has hired approximately 30 mysterious and highly-paid staff, including titles such as Communications Consultant, Executive Benz Waxer, First Bitch and Chief Joint Rolla.The Sunday Times newspaper has revealed that some members of Michael D Higgins’ Presidential staff are being paid more than €20,000 and €10,000 in excess of the pay guidelines. Further, Higgins was said to have noted that nobody was going to be let go, none of the payments would be reduced or returned, all staff will be retained for as long as he wants that and the taxpayer was going to have to “suck it up” or the public would get “jacked and/or played” by the President.
Higgins has successfully constructed an intimidating ‘crew’, or group of advisors and consultants with an imposing gang-style image and nature to use in all his dealings as Uachtarán na hÉireann. Using intimidation and violence, Higgins’ gang are said to have taken over the Áras and are now starting to cause trouble in surrounding Pheonix Park.
Con Snatchworth – a local 24hr SPAR owner – spoke of his fears: “Higgins comes into the shop every day with some of his posse. He usually buys a few beers and maybe some Rizla papers, but invariably he will mouth off ás Gaeilge to me or some other customers, saying that he was “the baddest at this”…”the king of that”. Sometimes he knocks over my merchandise, while his mob often hang around outside beat-boxing, smoking blunts and rolling dice. It’s been terrible for business. I don’t know what to do”.
The trouble started on a recent trip to the United States where the President was charged with the customary handing-over of the St. Patrick’s day shamrock to knicker-moistening pin-up president Barack Obama. Mirth targeted towards Higgins’ leprechaun-esque stature and voice offended the diminutive president and, spurned on by advice from a overly-paid PR advisor, he started amassing a large group of violent thugs to raise his public image from ‘cuddly fear beag‘ to ‘shit-your-pants terrifying thug-4-life playa’.
Keeping many of his new gang of toughs at his side at all times, the President goes on walkabout in the Áras grounds with up to 14 of his crew and three snarling bull mastiffs on chain leads. Higgins has also recently taken to shooting an imaginary Glock handgun at a side angle into waiting camera lenses, a motif he is said to have learned from similarily short-statured Limerick curiosity Willie O’Dea. “Wit a gatt it makes no difference if he’s bigger or smaller” said the Irish head of state. “Boom” he added, before stretching his arms out in a “come at me” gesture.