Government announces 2.25bn stimulus & investment in The Bridge to London

Brendan Howlin, Edna Kenny and Eamon Gilmore were pleased to announce plans today for a new stimulus package made up of 2.25bn in private and European capital investment. The funding for the programme will come from loans from the European Investment Bank, the National Pensions Reserve Fund, domestic bank loans and other potential private investment sources.

As well as vital capital injections into justice, education and GAA, the long-awaiting spending-spree by Kenny and Gilmore will commence with a huge boon to the construction industry when The Bridge to London project finally gets the green light this Autumn. The ambitious project has been on the table since 2008 when investment in Irish residential property took an eyewatering nosedive and construction came to a complete halt. Since the collapse, The Bridge to London has been touted as the cover-all solution to create construction work for labourers while also giving them a handy route out of the country forever when they finish tarmacking it.

“This is a wonderous and momentous occasion here at Leinster house” lavished Eamon Gilmore as he spoke to reporters. “Finally we can bring the country back from collapse thanks to Fianna Fáil. They threw the money around foolishly during the good times, and left the rest of us to pick up the pieces down the line. Well let me tell you we have thought long and hard about this massive investment. Our children’s children, etc” he added.

Further plans have been drawn up to build a “state-of-the-art” retail complex with 6000 apartments in Westmeath as well as investing in research for electric hurleys, another season of You’re a Star and another hideous bridge across the Liffey in Dublin at a cost of 1.3bn that will look like two robots having sex on a harp.