Gilmore to amputate cat legs

Tánaiste Eamonn Gilmore spoke out again today over the importance of ratifying the upcoming fiscal treaty in the name of progress for the country’s strained coffers. In a speech made on the steps of the Dáil, Gilmore stated that he would hold his breath until he passed out if the electorate opted for a ‘No’ on polling day, sparking fears of paranoia among cabinet ministers about a damning (and possible) punishment vote in the upcoming treaty bid. As a stark warning to the nation, Gilmore also said he would “saw the legs off a cat” as a further warning to voters not to punish the government at the polls and deny acceptance of the treaty, which includes guidelines for ongoing debt management for EU members. He then demonstrated his sincerity by taking a huge gasp of air and staring directly into a waiting TV3 camera as his bulbous, profoundly hatable face began to slowly turn purple. After what seemed like seconds, the Tánaiste blew the air out and wobbled on his legs, before panting “I might also commit a brutal series of aggravated burglaries and stabbings in the North Dublin area”.

“The message I want to put across is that this treaty is all about recovery”, he added.

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