Gilmore accused of hiding bad news ahead of treaty referendum

Eamonn Gilmore was yesterday accused of covering up bad news before polling day in a pathetic attempt – which will probably work – to get the European Fiscal Treaty referendum over the line at the end of the month.

Speaking at the annual James Connolly commemoration in Arbour Hill, Gilmore spoke excitedly with his usual mixture of cod-indignation and summer-drama-school oratory fire, pursing his lips together and shifting his head up to feign pride and stoicism in the face of adversity. He also used his tradmark tough-guy voice and joke hard-man glare, pausing for effect and even poking the top left-hand corner of the podium to create the effect of leadership. The tanaiste pretend-fiercly refuted the accusations levelled at the government and said it was “preposterous, outrageous, outlandish, ridiculous, shameful, reprehensible and unjust” that the government would be accused of holding back news of a rash of severe cuts and brutal tax and rate increases so their treaty hopes would not be dashed.

According to various government departments, upcoming bad news will include (but will not be limited to):

  • Medical Card provisions to be cessated and replaced by mandatory and unexplainable monthly triple-strength doctor bills. A group of former-ministers-turned-consultants will head up a new money-haemorraging quango to oversee a new headbutting initiative to wound all citizens in the face bi-annually to ensure GP patient numbers are maintained under the scheme.
  • Road craters to be created using teams of council workers armed with vast quantities of government TNT on all arterial and main roads with road tax to be hugely inflated (91,000% by 2014) to cover justification of same.
  • FÁS to be doubled in workforce and halved in efficiency
  • FÁS to be rolled back in favor of TAITNEAMH, a new expansive and useless jobs initiative, which will be rolled out and immediately rolled back in, to be replaced by an even bigger and less-useful FÁS.
  • Individual ministers’ water tax liabilities to be passed on to taxpayer where each will incur a 6000% processing interest charge (“Ministers Water Tax Exemption Processing Levy“).
  • Going-to-the-beach tax to be rolled out
  • Cat, Kitten & Tea tax*
  • Internet fees, socks charges and Crayons for Children tax rates to be introduced and then immediately multiplied by 800% before then being doubled and passed onto the to taxpayer while incurring a similiar processing charge to the Ministers Water Tax Exemption Processing Levy (above), but twice and with 60% added on top. And then doubled.
  • Double that and twicen it, then add 10%
  • Hat tax*

*Hat, Tea and Kitten allowances are expected to be provided for ministers