Gerald Keane makes Sunday Independent front page

Fame-hungry “celebrity solicitor” and chilling sycophant Gerald Keane was reported to be “over the moon” today as more pithy updates from his harrowingly trite existence made the front page of a national newspaper. The Sunday Independant ran a large column and picture of “Gerald Keane and his beautiful partner Lisa Murphy” – with another picture on page 2 – despite important and newsworthy events such as the Syrian conflict and Greek/Euro crisis continuing to take place around the world.

Keane has been said to be “delighted” with the appearance of the picture and story, as he is desperately trying to raise his status from “celebrity solicitor” to some sort of functioning showbiz entity, such as radio presenter or panelist on a reality show.

His wily PR talents mean he can imply that he is wealthy and successful when quizzed on any number of diverse topics. For example, when recently asked about the civil war in Burma, Keane replied “It’s a massive shame, I’m against war. I give to a charity involved in aid and I have many, many clients who have had their limbs blown off and are suing someone for damages. Many many clients”

Keane has teamed up with “beauty” Lisa Murphy and will always display her on his arm, as he puffs on a big cheroot wearing a large, shit-eating grin. Emblem of a conspicuously wealthy existence, Keane is rapidly taking the place of several former celebrities as a go-to mouthpiece for virtually any topic provided he can

  • Imply he is successful
  • Mention his girlfriend’s beauty
  • Tell everyone he gives to charity

When The Sunday Independant were pressed for an explanation as to why Gerald Keane generated so many column inches, Editor Dennis Backdraft replied “because he is f**king hilarious”

“Look at the state of him. And the head up on your one” he added.