Gearóid6000 to take on long-term dole scum wasters

In its latest effort to weed out welfare cheats, the Department of Social Protection plan to begin using friendly, eager robots with advanced facial-recognition technology to spy on chronic no-hoper dole wasters from the beginning of the new year. The artificially intelligent robots will use photographic identification supplied with all new claims to automatically detect any other claims made by that person. Further to to this, the friendly robot agents will gain the trust of some of the more ardent dole-monkeys by joining them in activities such as drinking, having samurai sword fights, going on 4-day cocaine and Xbox sessions and trips to the driving range. The robots will record the events using on-board cameras and a file will be sent to the DPP for prosecution.

A spokeswoman for the department said: “Based on the current project plan, the facial image matching software will be rolled out for national usage in January, with the"Input" - Gearóid6000 is set to take the Department's budget sheet by storm robots to be gradually mixed into Irish society in the following months.”

“The robots are highly advanced and will be wearing disguises. We envisage the problems with settling in to be minimal”. she added.

Gearóid6000 will be used to gain access to the deepest layers of welfare fraud, gaining the trust of individuals in tough and lawless environments such as lock-ins at tough North Dublin pubs and makeshift bookmakers in the remote wilds of Louth. Using a series of disguises, accent & mannerism sets Gearóid6000 is set to take the Department of Social Protection budget accounts sheet by storm.

The Comptroller and Auditor General reported Welfare overpayments costing the taxpayer €343m euros this year. With the department overspending by €685m in the year, it is hoped that Gearóid6000‘s influence should drastically reign in spending. However, at a yearly cost of €8bn to maintain, Gearóid6000 may very well make the problem worse before he makes it better.

Both the facial recognition software and the Gearóid6000 robot units have been purchased from a reseller of Asian technology products based in the midlands. A spokeswoman for the Department said “the seller assured us that the robots will work well and the facial recognition software is the very latest technology from Facebook. He said that we should not update the license module on the robots though, don’t put it too near magnets or microwaves or fish, and if it asks for a password just keep hitting ‘Enter’ really fast for about a minute”.

“We got a load of iPads from him for the Dail and they seem to be okay, although Billy Kelleher found a tooth in his when he opened it. Also, come to think of it, the word ‘iPad‘ was spelled incorrectly”

In October of this year a 63-year-old Dublin man and his “ragamuffin” twin sons were spared jail terms over a dole fraud worth almost €250,000 in which one son posed as his brother’s older uncle’s son’s cousin, while the other brother posed as the first brother with his cousin posing as himself, and his cousin’s brother covering both his uncle and himself, and his brother, and the twin’s uncles’ father. The scam was finally revealed when one of the two presented to a welfare office claiming to be a version of himself with his uncle’s name, his cousin’s DNA but his brother’s passport and face. This landmark incident resulted in the State’s first medical instance of ‘morbid confusion’.