Gardaí to decrease credibility by 80% in 2013

Uniforms to become less flattering, where possible

A Garda spokesperson has revealed that new uniform, equipment and conduct requirements will come into play for the force from early 2013. In an effort to drastically reduce credibility and effectiveness, members will be required to wear, do and say embarrassing and ridiculous things in an effort to reverse proposed public spending cuts on Garda wage payments.

Justice Minister Alan Shatter has proposed a large cut in the number of Garda on the streets and has recently shut down a massive amount of rural Garda stations, forcing those who want a dog or gun licence to go to the next town over, back the road or downalong. “It’s a disgrace” said Sgt. Brahí O’Bannion of Lismore, Co. Waterford. “I was in that station for 40 years – two hours a day, two days a week – and now I’m gone and they have me down in Tramore, shooing the knackers and scumbags away from the nicest-looking cars parked by the beach. I’m too old for that”.

In a concerted effort to show how desperately the country needs an effective police force, the Garda Síochana have matched Alan Shatter’s request for cuts in Garda numbers with their own intentional 80% cut in Garda credibility.

The spokesperson revealed “To this end we have asked our union to instruct it’s members to put on as much weight as possible over the Christmas, and to buy a bicycle helmet one size smaller than the one they already wear. This will be a personal cost to the individual Garda, but we think the resulting effect will be worth it. Next time Shatter sees a pair of Gardaí wheezing away on a bike in town, and with a big fat red head like a Spacehopper squeezed into an ill-fitting helmet, he’ll feel completely and totally unprotected. We feel this will send the right message to turn the cuts around.”

Two Segways were donated by the Dublin City Business Association (DCBA) and were presented to Assistant Garda Commissioner John Twomey last Wednesday. The vehicles have been met with widespread derision and has provided young Dublin thugs with a focus for their violent frustrations and destructive horseplay; throwing rocks and bottles at the slowly-moving vehicles is common as is the act of distracting the mounted Garda and attempting to light the wheels on fire.


“The Segway provides high visibility on our streets, giving shoplifters ample time to escape or plan crimes, and it comes with many other concerns such as inability to tackle anything but the smoothest terrain, height problems, maneuverability, protective clothing, insurance problems, and so as a tool to reduce credibility it is working wonders. The next phase is to introduce a big purple felt helmet as part of our Segway Squad (“An Schuád Seigbhueidgh”) uniform. We have estimated that that will bring the arrest rate down from low to absolute zero.”
Planned Garda changes include:

  • Gardai required to “power-walk” on the beat, lifting their arms and swivelling their hips in a humorous and stupid-looking manner
  • Priority of deployment to be given to GAA games, rallies in support of the Quinn family and appearances at National Schools to promote the 1970’s safety awareness campaign The Safe Cross Code.
  • Walkie-Talkies to be increased in size to make the Garda’s head and hands look all small
  • Bangarda’s arses to be increased in apparent size by provision of uniform pants with wider rear and tighter ankles
  • All checkpoints to now only visually check “the cut” of the driver rather than tax, safety or insurance legality. Anyone who looks “shook” will be asked about their father’s method of income and if he is a local man, and did he ever play ball, and if so did he get much of a game or what, was he any good like.
  • Free Domino‘s pizza and Tim Horton‘s Coffee and Donuts to replace standard canteen food at Templemore Garda training college
  • Standard issue Garda footwear to be replaced by special bowling style two-colour shoes with long toe and raised heel.