Government Health Minister Dr. James Reilly has outlined plans to re-brand the humble banana into a vestige of dangerous devil-may-care cool in a reversely-psychological bid to lure teen fatties away from soft drinks, buns and salty KFC chicken & chips dinners.
The Health Minister has said that, from July onwards, Irish retailers will be legally required to issue a warning on all bananas, restrict the sale of single and bunches of under 5 bananas, and restrict the sale of the fruit entirely to those who look under 16.
Official press and media campaigns will begin next month urging teens to steer clear of bananas and not to get caught up in the habit of eating them. Magazine and billboard adverts will depict dimly-lit and disenfranchised youths in hooded sportswear hanging around on walls and in alleys passing half-eaten bananas to each other. The adverts will hang on the punchy slogans “You’d be bananas to try one”, “Bananas make you yellow” and “Don’t slip up”.
Large UK and Ireland retailer Tesco has unveiled their new banana packaging design which comprises an entirely black plastic bag festooned with skull-and-crossbones motifs and danger signs. The bags will read BANANAS: NOT FOR SALE TO CHILDREN and retail-floor display areas will be bordered with an alarming red and black pattern for greater visibility and excitement.
Illiterate Tesco shelf-stacker from Tramore, Waterford Luke Liverfluke explained: “We’ve already seen a massive increase in gangs of schoolchildren hovering around the fruit and veg area and coercing their older-looking friends into purchasing the restricted fruit. They then usually congregate in the car park area outside and share the bananas, each demonstrating their own banana-consuming style to each other. Some hang the skins on their bags in a display of supposed totemistic oneness with a group intent on reckless self-destruction. Others eat the bananas one after the other as if to convey some mysterious & desperate banana dependency…perhaps alluding to a stressed and difficult home life. However these often wind up with brutal and explosive episodes of diarrhea and usually need to find a bathroom or speedily catch their bus home whilst clutching their buttholes and walking like a new cellmate” he continued.
“Stupid f**king eejits.” he added before being told to get back to work by a spotty jumped-up manager half his age.
The news comes today as Ireland will become only the second country in the world to introduce the warning-carrying banana bags after Monaco ,who inadvertently enforced the law after the 0.9 square mile country’s only grocery shop received a small consignment of bananas from Brasil which were deemed dangerous after a family of vicious Huntsman spiders were found to be nesting in them.