Fine Gael plans to tax Cork oil heavily

The Government’s plans to capitalise on the lucrative and exciting oil find at Cork’s Barryroe site have run aground after a leaked report of massive taxation, overspending and mismanagement emerged late last night.

The Barryroe oil field could be four times larger than initially thought and contain anything between 1bn and 1.6bn barrels of oil.

The results of the much-anticipated “oil-in-place” survey, published yesterday, were even better than Providence Resources expected. The company owns 80% of the field, which lies 50km off the Cork coast in the Celtic Sea.

A Fine Gael/Labour document has been leaked by a source at Leinster house, detailing plans by minister Richard Bruton and Taoiseach Edna Kenny to tax the fuel heavily and repeatedly, with legislation for new charges such as “Flowing Fossil Fuel Charge”, “Black Oily Liquid Tax” as well as the new “Oil Conservation Contribution”, a “Universal Fuel Processing Charge” and an “Oil Rig Tax” which will see a minimum €1 million euro charge per day to the exchequer for those who happen to own or operate a successful oil rig in Irish waters. The governement also plans to sell the oil online to international markets using a poorly-designed web-based venture entitled ‘oilSMART’, whereby the payee will join online, recieve a series of irritating and pointless plastic loyalty cards, is forced to retain up to 16 different pin numbers, endure heavy and intrusive ad campaigns and pay myriad unreasonable and extorionate tariffs.

Needlessly convoluted oilSMART login details

“It’s about prosperity” handwrote Bruton on the document followed by “LOL” and a depiction of a big veiny phallus.

The document also detailed Bruton’s crudely hand-sketched plans to use funds generated by the oil to charter a private jet, intending to make good his permanent escape to a Bahamian island “filled with babes”.

Commentators including foppish economist David MacWilliams noted that these lavish personal spends will be difficult for the government to achieve considering it has already spent over €1.6bn on pricey consultants to help them figure out how to spent the money generated by the oil, resulting in more crippling debt for the country and sustained budgetary nightmares.

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