Emigration Special pt 1: Rest of world is way more craic

Studies published today by a student research group in Dublin show that more than 200 people a day left Ireland during 2012 as emigration surged to levels not experienced since the famine in the mid 1800s, when levels of both craic and potatoes were alarmingly low. The mixture of never-ending unemployment, year-round wet weather and merry-widow polititians laughing out of their luxury Audis has turned the fun hose to ‘off’ with 87,000 people emigrating from Ireland in the year to April 2012.

Above: Borris-In-Ossory. Below: Babes at an exciting football game

Ian Beale

Almost 16,000 headed to Britain, where job and health standards far outshine Ireland, although poor weather and grating accents can sometimes border on “similar or worse” said some survey participants. According to one airport customs report, media familiarity was a factor with many of the lower-intelligence immigrants citing “Coronation Street” and specifically “Ian Beal’s caff” as a proposed destination in which to settle on arrival.

This figure was around twice as many as headed across the Irish Sea during the boom times, and does not include children and non-working spouses who moved with their families. Australia remained a big draw, with the number of permanent migrants from Ireland soaring by 33pc to 4,938 in a year. Reasons for the move varied but mainly centred around the large amount of jobs, opportunities, life standard increases and babes with sweet arses on display all year round. No survey participants could think of any drawbacks in going to Oz, although one man harboured a crippling fear of being attacked by a hybrid shark-crocodile with a kangaroo-style pouch and a didgeridoo for a tail.

Ireland was now among the top 10 source countries for migration to Australia, the authorities there noted, while saying ‘strewth’ to each other back-and-forth.

Former Co. Kerry pig-strangler Des Buckley now has a job testing the attractiveness of babes on Bondai Beach. “If a babe walks past I have to see if she’s good looking or not. I write marks out of ten, and file them with my superior at the end of the day, who is a big-breasted sex maniac. I ride around in a kangaroo’s pouch and I get free booze, fags and burgers all day long. I get a massive pension and loads of cash to spend and a free flat with a big telly and video. I definitely prefer it to pig murdering and bashing in badgers’ heads anyway” he continued.

Emigration vs. Having a laugh

“I don’t care what they say” he added, wistfully.

The number of Irish availing of temporary work permits and working holiday visas in 2012 is not yet available, but it’s likely to be on a par with the previous year’s tally of 21,753. However, the holiday visa system is under fire thanks to heavy and systematic abuse of the terms and length of stay. “Usually when someone comes in to get a VISA” says USIT branch manager Helen Buns “they say ‘holiday’ with a big wink and often laugh heartily when I explain the terms and conditions”.

With worries about a ‘brain drain’ and waving goodbye to another generation of our best and brightest, Ms. Buns was quick to play it down. “I don’t think that’s the case at all any more, from what I’m seeing anyway. All types of people emigrate, it’s not always the best in my opinion.

“One fella asked me if it was illegal to stow himself away in his own rucksack so he could claim himself as lost luggage after the flight, using the insurance money as a start-up fund pool. I had to tell him that he was the world’s stupidest asshole, and that his brains were right up his arse.”

More on Emigration next week. Or whenever.