Taoiseach Edna Kenny has returned from an EU summit with out turned pockets following an unsuccessful attempt to gain ground on his promised mortgage debt relief deal. Furthermore, the hapless head of government has also foolishly signed an agreement to have his head dunked and flushed in the toilet by EU officials at every summit for the rest of his tenure at the country’s helm.
Kenny made the concession on head-dunking during last minute brokerage deals on the Irish debt crisis with cheerless German chancellor Angela Merkel. Relying heavily on his trademark man-about-a-dog charm, Kenny subsequently achieved absolutely zero benefits for the Irish people and got himself so confused by figures and interest rates that he soon found he was confoudedly signing a contract drawn up by Merkel for the humiliating dunking sessions. They are tabled to happen for twenty minutes at the end of each afternoon sitting at the EU headquarters and Kenny must audibly agree that Merkel is “king” and he is “gay”. Following the agreement, the Taoiseach was so dazed by the high-pressure talks that French PM was able to assert his newfound authority by grabbing Kenny’s wrists and punching him in his face with his own hands, reportedly saying “mon dieu – stop hitting a-yourself”.
A dejected and visibly exhausted Kenny returned to Ireland yesterday morning to deliver the not unsurpising news of his complete failure to the Irish voters who, he had claimed, showed him support by pushing the Fiscal ‘Stability’ Treaty through a referendum last week. The opposition spent the afternoon haranguing Kenny about his broken promises and his total inability to bang on the table in Brussells. Finally, a bad few days was made worse for the Taoiseach when he received an atomic wedgie from Gerry Adams by the bus stop at home time.