E-voting machines to be converted into giant debt-collecting robot

The last of Ireland’s e-voting machines were collected from Gormanston in Co Meath to be turned into a giantic hulking robot which will collect the household charge next year from cowering citizens.

E-voting machines: were bullshit

Originally piloted in the 2002 general election, the e-voting machines were never rolled out nationally due to security concerns. The venture has cost the State in excess of €54 million. In 2002 the government’s then Environment Minister Noel Dempsey backed the system which was to replace the slower method of hand counting and using pencils – which Taoiseach Bertie Ahern described at the time as “stupid”.

The collections were made on Thursday and Friday, managing director of KMK Metals Recycling Kurt Kyck said. The other e-voting machines “have all been dismantled”, he added. Evil genius Professor Freakenmyer and his hunched & disfigured dogsbody will begin aquisition of the machine parts this week ahead of the construction of the robot.

The Revenator will change the face of tax collection in this country” said Finance minister Michael Noonan at Leinster house yesterday evening. “Where deduction from wages can be messy and inappropriate, a huge steel man with an eye for a face and a big clamping arm will cover all bases, such as the self employed, poor or ‘tax-stubborn’.”

“It’s about prosperity” he added.

Professor Freakenmyer

The robot will collect the household charge in cash from citizens across the country starting in January 2013, when the charge is likely to be anywhere from €100 to €300 per household per year. He will be equipped with a foot-in-door mechanism as well as shake-down and laser shooting capabilities.

“The Revenator vill be my finest work” said Professor Freakenmyer this morning from his castle-style forest retreat in Offaly. “He will make light work of ze household charge collection vith his gigantic pneumatic limbs und devices of torture and intimidation. I sure hope he doesn’t somehow develop a conscience und turn against me – breaking down buildings in frustration and charging though the streets, an object of terror and sympathy. That would be terrible…though admittedly quite exciting”

“It is pretty unlikely though, as he vill basically be on the same mental level as a hoover. And part of his brain will be made from a stapler” he added.