Disgraced former Anglo Irish chief executive David Drumm has made the papers again this morning thanks to documents revealing he has one of the most spectacularily and unnecessarily foul mouths ever witnessed within the Irish media. RTÉ spokeswoman and Ju-Jitsu expert Thelma Mansfield described his language as “worse than a Roddy Doyle book”. Labour leader Eamon Gilmore also criticised Drumm and denounced him as “probably worse for swearing than Brendan O’Carroll…and he’s an actual scumbag Northsider type”.
Documents have surfaced from myriad sources in the wake of the Anglo Irish phone recording scandal showing transcripts of conversations from all aspects of David Drumm’s expletive-laden life. Items such as legal and property files, letters to his wife, scenes from a play which he was writing about an unemployed plumber who starts a basketball team, and private emails have all been included in a wide-reaching investigation by the Garda Fraud Squad as they prepare for a full-scale inquiry into the banking collapse.
In a transcript from a McDonald’s Drive-Thru in Boston, Drumm is heard to say “gimme an Egg Muffin and a c**k-sucking Diet Coke please, and can I get a d*ck-load of mayo for that as well and a f*cking large fries” before collecting his order at the next window, saying “thanks a lot you ball-licker” and driving off. Cape Cod McDonald’s manager Felchmore Washtickle said “he comes in here a lot, just eating burgers and fries and loudly using cuss words as he reads the paper. He shouts when he reads parts about Anglo Irish and him, and anything with Charlie Bird. One time a member of staff said that they thought he screamed at his Filet-O-Fish in the car as he drove off, calling it a “sh*thead”
“But that may not be entirely true as that particular staff member is unfortunately deeply in the grip of a very serious Phencyclidine and Crack cocaine addiction and often screams at the burgers himself” added Washtickle.
“He also once came to work with a loaded machine-gun” he added.
Details of Drumm’s colourful language have surfaced in unlikely places and even appeared in his wedding vows, an Irish source revealed. Married to wife Lorraine in a Lavish ceremony in Malahide, when asked by the priest if he was willing to take Lorraine’s hand in marriage, Drumm responded “Does the pope sh*t in the woods, Father” before kissing his new bride. At the lighting of the candle section of the wedding, he was also heard to loudly shout the word “boll*cks” as the flame flickered slightly. He again screamed “boll*cks f*cking a*se” when his watch caught one of his wrist hairs in between the strap as he was walking down the aisle with Lorraine.
“He appears to have an unfortunate type of Tourette’s Syndrome or something” says Professer Jason Windpipe of the USA World Institute of Global Science in Boston. “Oftentimes this impediment manifests itself as nervous ticks and uncontrollable yelping and shouting. With Drumm, he seems to have the classic Tourettes you see in the movies, where you shout ‘titties’, ‘balls’ and ‘ass’ at people in the shopping mall”.
“Either that or he is some kind of unbelievable maniac” offered the Proffessor.