Cruel hangover apparent in wake of Newbridge Tiger

Gold skateboard: a sign of the times? Citizens of Newbridge, Kildare were picking up the pieces this week as the heady days of the Newbridge Tiger draw to a close. The dizzying period of carefree borrowing and the cavalier attitude towards spending and investment practices by the people of the town is now firmly over with the news that Permanent TSB has been asked by the Central Bank to take ownership of Newbridge Credit Union. The move comes as the Central Bank’s moves €53 million from the it’s €250 million Resolution Fund to help deal with the credit union’s problems.

Newbridge native Greg Backtask said “as a country we lost the run of ourselves – it was a nationwide issue, unfortunately most nationwide in Newbridge – where it was widespreadingly nationwide”.

Newbridge Credit Union

Despite a country-wide economic choke-hold under an EU bailout, in the years since 2008 Newbridge somehow managed to bloom and flourish in the crass and tasteless manner associated with money-mad Millenium Ireland under Fianna Fáil and the giveaway budgets of it’s gap-toothed delinquent-farmhand-lookalike Finance Minister Charlie McCreavy. “A typical major Newbridge player during the recent Newbridge Tiger years would have loans for a big house in Ballymany, a cottage in Ballintore and a discrete flat in Newbridge town as a weekend getaway. He would holiday a few times annually, often taking his wife or mistresses to the Newbridge Silverware Visitor Centre or the Japanese Gardens four to five times a year” said Alan Whisk, a highly informed local homeless man living in a Tesco Bag for Life near Edward street.

“And that’s saying nothing of the horses he probably kept, each probably with their own discrete townhouse flat apartments I’ll wager” he added, bitterly.

Boomtown Twats

Dump Valve Destiny

The town boasts a plethora of newly constructed glass car showrooms and colourful yet empty brand outlet centres, each one a gaudy testament to the shortsighted coin-tossage of vain pocket jockeys.  With eight Starbuckses, five Gloria Jeanses and an amazing nine seperate McDonalds‘ ‘McCafe‘ outlets, Newbridge now also hosts the title of Most Caffeinated Town in Ireland. Dazzling branding whizzes past creating a kaliedoscopic effect as you drive out of the town on the way to Dublin.

“A lot of thrusting young professionals can be seen walking purposefully in and out of Subway and Gusto and so on clutching wraps and large frappucinos and what-have-you throughout the day” says Newbridge Lord Mayor Fletcher Sickwipe “but unfortunately many of them are interns working for nothing all day long and so often have to arrive back into the same cafe in the evening to start a shift of menial work pushing mops and making extravagant coffees for other purposeful gimps – looking a lot less purposeful, I might add” he said, laughing to himself and playing Angry Birds on his phone.

Money-based activities as shown on 'http://www.newbridge.ie'

As well as hysterically overblown domestic property prices and grossly inappropriate renovation work at every turn, the Kildare town also shows signs of a reckless borrowing culture among the teens and pre-teens, with young people spending huge borrowed sums on cars, holidays and even haircuts. An insider at Lay Down & Die Hair – Newbridge’s most exclusive salon – spoke to us secretly via email about the surge in price of haircuts which are now costing up to and above €400 at a time.

Critical Apathy” is a popular style with the younger gothic girls, whilst “Epic Lulz YOLO” is a fun style that the heavily-tanned Geordie Shore fans like. “Mixed Fusion” is a popular style – we basically just dye the back and cut a big bit off the front – that’s €180. And “Midnight Cruiser“, “Love Spoiler” and “Dump Valve Destiny” are all just faux-hawks for the boys with different prices. When asked whether the customers ever take issue with the high prices, the source said “They’re so busy tweeting about it or snap-chatting or whatever that they don’t know they’ve just spent the month’s rent on something that makes them look like a Mikado biscuit that’s been shat on by the cat.”

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