Burton unveils new “Urchin Rating System” to cut down on child welfare spend

SOCIAL Protection Minister Joan Burton is in favour of cutting child benefit payments for 1.1 million children and topping them up for poorer families with a new “Urchin Rating System” under the name of ChildPLUS+.

A crass, tiresome blowhard and Michael O'Leary

Ms Burton stated that the €2bn spent annually on child benefit would have to somehow be reduced and comes after millionaire arsehole Michael O’Leary admitted still collecting his child benefit to spend it solely on useless purchases in order to irritate members of the Dáil. “He often walks past the Dáil windows with bags full of joke-shop items such as itching powder and rubber chickens” said a visibly vexed Burton. “He whistles loudly and says things like ‘another fine trip to the joke shop for me, Michael O’Leary, to fritter away my child benefit on foolish purchases’

“He also sometimes blasts a foghorn and spins a 1970’s-style football clacker” she added.

Ms Burton’s department will appeal a motion to the Dáil to push through the new ChildPLUS+ system which will take a meagre 9 years to integrate into the social welfare infastructure.
“We will appraise each child on his or her poverty merits” sayd Miseria Blackheart, Child Safety & Welfare assistant chief officer. “On presenting at a social welfare office, the child’s threadbare garments will be assesed for holes and filth, and a stoop and cough rating will be applied. We are looking for things like sob-stories, turned-out pockets and hats with the top poked through. Snot all over their face and evidence of playing with a pet insect or piece of dirt. That’s a big sign of povertyness, or ‘chronic poority‘.

“The child will subsequently receive benefits according to their poverty standing and how Oliver Twisty they look and sound and smell. These benefits should take merely a matter of months to be processed and blocked and processed again. If the child arrives with a single small cloud of rain directly above them we will add a “rush” notification to the claim, adding it to a long back-up line of claims and appeals going nowhere.”

“We feel it’s a foolproof system and should provide real benefits to the taxpayer” said Blackheart.