Burton launches JOBSBLAST

Social welfare has become a “lifestyle choice” for many leaving school, a situation which is totally unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated, Social Protection Minister Joan Burton said last year.

“What we are getting at the moment is people who come into the system straight after school as a lifestyle choice. This is not acceptable, everyone should be expected to contribute and work,” Ms Burton said in July 2011. “I don’t care how odious they are, bloody dole scum” she added at the time.

“It brings me great pleasure today to introduce the new government jobs initiative JOBSBLAST. Employment is especially sparse for school leavers and many fall into the trap of wandering around the streets looking for heroin, drooling and eating sausages out of the bin. As minister for social protection, I believe this is bad. It is my hope that, with JOBSBLAST, we can make sure that pillheads and can-jockeys get up before 1pm on weekdays so they are too tired to assault people coming out of SPAR in the evening. It is then my goal to make sure they leave for the UK or Holland within a year or else commit full suicide”.

JOBSBLAST is a strident new initiative to replace FÁS and the 8 other similar schemes that fell laughably short of delivering anything close to a single welfare-to-workforce conversion in the past year. With JOBSBLAST, the average dole pilot will have massively increased beaurocratic obstacles to overcome before getting to his cash, such as 28-page forms crammed with legalese, backwards and upside-down paths to benefit claims and surly, ill-informed, deliberately incompetent staff. All cash payments – if approved – will now be presented with the option of being converted into a boat ticket to Australia or Canada with free clean tracksuit included, to be provided by O’Neills. There are also plans to offer non-payment internship-style menial labour jobs such as the shelf-stacking, brush-pushing and pig-masturbating positions commonly offered on JOBSBRIDGE.

Burton said she “feels good” about JOBSBLAST, citing the hard-working staff who brought the project together, including Roddy Molloy (polo-necked disgraced former FÁS chief), his wife, their five sons and 19 of his other relatives and friends with many other close associates brought in on a contract basis. Molloy was unavailable for comment as he and his team were in Tahiti on a fact-finding excursion with golf, drinks and lobster.