Burton claims mass emigration is actually just people ‘going on holidays for longer’

Figures released today show there has been a massive increase in the usage of long-term storage. Shipping companies such as Nutz-2-This & Sons and Bustamove Ltd, who provide long-haul shipping of personal effects, have also noted a massive increase in demand. Minister for Social Protection Joan Burton today refuted claims that emigration was spiraling upwards to ridiculous levels and instead insisted it was all Ryanair‘s fault. “What the figures show us – clearly – is that this is a direct result of Michael O’ Leary‘s stubborness and refusal to work with the government & the Dublin Airport Authority”

Overpacking for the holidays, yesterday

“Sometimes people just want to travel light and, in that case, they might feel that Ryanair’s grim, death-march model is fine for them. However, oftentimes people feel like taking their car on holiday with them, or all of their photo albums, or indeed a large oil powered central heating system with 600 litre tank and copper infrastructure. It’s just not possible to transport these larger items under Ryanair’s strict baggage rules, which is a real shame for Irish holidaymakers, and makes it look like everyone is getting the hell out of dodge” said the minister. “But they’re not” she added.

“She just needs a ride” said O’Leary when questioned about Bruton’s remarks

“Thanks to Michael O’Leary’s shareholder-pleasing priorities, the Irish holidaymaker who wants to travel to Portugal for a week or indeed Melbourne for the meatier end of 60 years has to pay penalties for hand luggage, including Duty free purchases. It’s simple, the Irish have had enough!” declared Burton. She refuted suggestions that Irish professionals and families were fleeing the country at record-breaking levels to never ever return, saying “I always overpack when I go on holidays. It’s not a sign that the country is banjaxed. Blame Ryanair”.

“She just needs a ride” said O’Leary when questioned about Bruton’s remarks at a conference this morning. “And so do you. And so does that fat woman beside you” quipped the outrageous airline chief. The headline-grabbing loudmouth CEO then declared that “Santa Clause doesn’t exists” and “lesbians are all just ugly women” as he held a big Ryanair sign and gurned for the cameras, before climbing on the table and simulating energetic sex with a scale-model Boeing 767.

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